UPDATED FOR 2024. The behavior of some people in your life leaves you shocked and mystified. They tell stories that don't add up, in fact, they flat out lie. They are charming one minute and hateful the next. They hurt you, seemingly on purpose, and then act like nothing happened. You come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them. They need help. They should go to therapy. The behavior I described above is typical of psychopathy and other personality disorders. So can therapy help a psychopath? I once posted a link to an extensive article published by The Atlantic called, When Your Child Is a Psychopath, by Barbara Bradley Hagerty. I invite you to read this article, …
Game theory and the sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That's what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game. Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win. Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed. Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed "resources" I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to "get it" little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support. The comment goes like this: "Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trying to expose the sociopath made matters worse for me
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we'll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath. I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we'll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders. Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed. We …
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How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman who signed it "Tired of Being Targeted." Her letter is an opportunity to explain why we are all vulnerable to sociopaths. My son's wife sends me nasty text messages and leaves insulting voice messages. Then she complains to her husband I'm being rude and disrespectful to her. It's crazy making and she's clearly projecting. In the past I took the high road and didn't tell him but all it got me was year after year of estrangement from my son. With nobody to speak in my defense and expose the truth and her unfounded slander habit, I finally decided to send him a long letter and copy him on all her text …
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How disordered motivation explains psychopathic behavior
UPDATED FOR 2024. Why do they do it? If you've ever tangled with a psychopath, you've certainly asked yourself that question. Why do psychopaths engage in harmful and destructive behavior? Most psychopathy researchers explain the nasty behavior of these disordered individuals in terms of deficits. They say that because psychopaths lack empathy and impulse control, they engage in antisocial behavior. To Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, this makes no sense — it implies that if it weren't for empathy and impulse control, everybody would be a psychopath. Deficits don't cause behavior, she says. Motivation causes behavior. Human motivational systems In a chapter that she wrote for …
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Vocabulary 101: 10 terms to help you name your experience with a sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. One of the reasons why it's so difficult to explain what happens when you're involved with a sociopath is that you don't have the words. Because of the general lack of awareness about personality disorders in society, and the lack of education about it, for years there was no generally accepted terminology to describe various aspects of the experience. But descriptive language has evolved among online communities of survivors. Here are 10 terms to help you name your experience with a sociopath. When you can name it, you can begin to recover from it. 1. Love Bombing When sociopaths set about reeling you in, a key seduction strategy is love bombing. They shower you with …
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Protecting your financial assets from devious romantic partners
You probably have financial assets — bank accounts, credit cards, a good job, your own home, investments or pensions. If you’re also looking for a dating partner, know that having financial assets makes you a nice, juicy target. Sociopaths often hook up with romantic partners specifically for the purpose of draining your financial assets. Even if you’re not wealthy, and you just have regular income from a job, Social Security or disability income, these lowlifes will try to take whatever you’ve got. I learned this the hard way. When I met my ex-husband, who was age 55 at the time (although he lied about his age), I owned my home, was making good money from my writing business and …
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The narcissistic serial bully
By Joanie Bentz, BS, M.Ed., LBS, CCBP Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, and can be anyone in your family, circle of friends or work environment. But how do we define a serial bully? The word serial means episodical, or appearing regularly. “A serial bully is a type of person who tends to try and constantly harass or offend people by trying to become more dominant and controlling over them,” according to Depression-guide.com. The key idea here is “constantly harass.” It’s a pattern of behavior that occurs in intervals and successively as a means to some type of gratification, which varies, depending on the bully’s goals. To be …
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
UPDATED FOR 2024: When we finally figure out that just about everything a sociopath told us is a lie, we are shocked. How can anyone lie so fluently? And why did we fall for it? Here are 10 reasons why the sociopath's lies seem so believable: Sociopaths tell you how honest they are Early on, sociopaths may tell you how much they value honesty, and that truthfulness is the foundation of all relationships. Their objective is to convince you of their trustworthiness, so that when you encounter their lies, you don't see them. Sociopaths lie while they look directly into your eyes Some experts say that if people look up and to their right while speaking, it's a sign that they are …