Lovefraud receives many e-mails and phone calls from parents who are in child custody disputes with sociopathic ex-partners. If this is you, you are desperate for help and advice. Personally, I think these are the most tragic cases involving sociopaths. Sociopaths are incapable of loving anyone, including their children. Children, therefore, are pawns in their game, and the game is to torture you. In the worst cases, the game is also to turn your child into a Mini Me, a budding sociopath. To make matters worse, sociopaths are capable of putting on such convincing appearances—smoothly blending partial truth with lies and accusations—that judges frequently believe them. Sociopaths also ma …
New hope for the children of sociopaths
Those who have read Just Like His Father? know that sociopathy is a disorder with a strong genetic basis. Science has further established a genetic link between sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. The children of sociopaths, therefore, carry genetic risk for sociopathy, addiction and ADHD. If a genetically at-risk child receives special nurturing during the developmental years, prior to puberty, he/she has the greatest chance to grow up free of these disorders. To attach real numbers to the problem of sociopathic parents and their children, consider that 25% of U.S. women are victims of domestic violence. Studies of male perpetrators of domestic violence reveal that 50% are sociopaths and …
Book Review: The Betrayal Bond
In the last several months I have written a great deal on this blog about the nature of love and bonding. If you would like to know more, read The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes. I just read this book and was happy to see so much commonality with my own view. Dr. Carnes himself survived a Betrayal Bond, and as such writes with the authority of someone who has “been there.” Remember, it is not just women who are affected by love fraud. Normal men bond and are deeply affected by their love relationships. Dr. Carnes discusses in detail the psychological trauma associated with a relationship with a sociopath, though his book does not focus onl …
UK man asks for help in reclaiming his children
A few months ago Lovefraud wrote about a man in the UK—I called him "Tom"—who said his life was stolen by sociopaths. He said he lost his children, home, career and wealth to his ex-wife and her new partner. Tom was arrested nine times on false allegations and has not seen his children since August of 2004. Tom recently won in the criminal proceedings against him—all charges were dropped. But he still faces a battle in family court. Tom asks for advice from Lovefraud readers as he fights to regain contact with his children. Update to Tom's story Here is the update that Tom sent about his story: The outcome of the criminal proceeding that was brought against me by my ex-wife and he …
Love fraud: A spectrum (Part 2)
In Love Fraud: A spectrum, part 1, I defined four types of fraudulent behavior within love relationships. These represent points on a continuum from predatory love fraud, where the intent is to destroy the other party, to adultery. All love fraud has a negative effect on the children produced in these relationships. Here, I will make the case that adulterous love fraud makes it difficult for legislators to write laws protecting children from sociopaths. A case of adultery and emotional abuse Jim and Nancy married young and were initially in love. They had three children over 5 years. Nancy took time away from her career to care for the children while Jim stayed in the work force. Jim …
Abuse, domestic violence and visitation
Last week I defined four types of love fraud that constitute points on a continuum from predatory love fraud to adultery. In all these relationships, one member of the couple inflicts physical, mental and/or financial injury on the other. Unfortunately, the presence of children does not necessarily deter violence in relationships. The fact that children can be caught in the middle in violent relationships is illustrated by the following news story reported this week. According to the MainLineTimes.com, the police were called to a domestic dispute in Narberth, Pennsylvania, Tuesday night. Upon arriving at the scene, they found a 34-year-old woman in critical condition. They discovered that …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: “My ex-husband acts perverted around the children!”
Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I'll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1). Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and …
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Love fraud: A spectrum (Part 1)
The recent post on marital misconduct, and the many letters I have received from Lovefraud readers, have caused me to conclude that love fraud is a spectrum. Because love fraud is a spectrum, there is some confusion about it. To clear up the confusion, this week I will describe the range of motives for this fraudulent behavior. Remember that one of the most important biologic/social functions of love relationships is to produce and raise children. In my opinion, love fraud that involves children is the most serious. These children did not ask to be born and are at the mercy of the adults responsible for bringing them into the world. Next week we will discuss the implications of the spectrum …
Divorce and marital misconduct
Editor's note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath. Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn't mean that you or your spouse won't have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It's what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney's fees for the victim-spouse. The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a …
Creating healing with the ones you’ve hurt after the sociopath is gone
During the final 3 months of the sociopathic relationship, my daughters, then 15 and 16, did not know where I was or if I was alive or dead. Every day they waited for the police to arrive at the front door with the news that my body had been found. I had disappeared when the sociopath fled the province in an attempt to evade capture by the police. He'd promised to let me go once he reached the States. I didn't care what he did. I wanted the pain and suffering and horror of my life to end. I wanted to die. And then one day the police walked in and arrested him and I was set free. One of my first thoughts in freedom was, “I will never forgive myself for what I did to my daughters”. That was my …
Creating healing with the ones you’ve hurt after the sociopath is goneRead More