How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Three miserable Christmases with the sociopath, and how to heal from the memories

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UPDATED FOR 2024. I spent three Christmases with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. Every one of them was stressful, unhappy, worrisome and bereft of joyful holiday spirit. Now, however, I've recovered, and my Christmases are happy and loving. You, too, can recover. I promise.Here are my stories of Christmas Past:Christmas 1996We had known each other for five months. We'd already had a secret wedding in Australia with his friends and family. For friends and family in New Jersey, we were planning another wedding in January, complete with bridesmaids, a fancy reception for 60 guests and a six-piece band. Montgomery had already blown through $50,000 of my money and credit, and I did …

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After the sociopath, proud of my healing

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It was a weeknight in 1996. My talented teenage daughter sat at the kitchen table, dutifully doing homework important to her. Meanwhile, at 48 years old, I was behind my closed bedroom door, on my bed, chain-smoking and weeping on the phone to friends who generously gave me their time."How can this be?" I lamented. "Last week, I felt so loved, like everything was falling into place. And now, with a few snide remarks about my ‘failure to comprehend basic math’ and other cruel criticisms, here I am again. How can this be?" I swallowed another TUMS tablet, trying to ease the acidic ache in my stomach.For two long pre-Lovefraud.com, pre-YouTube years, friends gave me their time, listening to my a …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This is the time for me to learn who I am

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Adelade." After the sociopath, she says, this is the time to learn who she is.Since the collapse of my second marriage, I have learned more than I would ever have wanted to know about sociopathy and their source targets - better known as, "victims." At one point, I had believed that my second marriage was stable, trust-based, and supportive, but I have recounted the years and the stunning discoveries that I made about my ex, and the symptoms (or, Red Flags) were all there, though they were more subtle and the absence of physical abuse, helped to frame the ex's facade.Through some very …

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When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. You've felt like something was off about your romantic partner for a long time, but you could never quite figure out what it was. Then, suddenly and harshly, you learn the truth. You discover that this person is cheating on you. Or forged your signature to open up credit cards. Or has kids you never knew about. Or is only pretending to go to work every day. Or is married to someone else. However it happened, you learn that your partner is betraying you. Your first instinct is to confront your partner and demand answers. DON'T DO IT. When you learn what is really going on, the best thing you can do is nothing, at least temporarily. Do not lash out. Instead, no matter how …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: To the liar named SHAME!

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following was sent to Lovefraud by the reader who posts as “Adelle.” She realized she was listening to a liar named shame, and banished it from her life.Looking back now, I realize how much damage SHAME can do. Of course the Spaths do the damage but along the way we pick up things that we think keep us safe.  These things that we cling to so tightly do exactly the opposite of what we think they do.Shame was one of my worst enemies in my SP experience. I didn't want anyone to know, what would they say? What would they think of me? They won't believe me!When I finally started telling people about my experience, I got the occasional, “Not you, you're so …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it!

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following post was submitted by the Lovefraud reader “Adelle.”We often hear the saying, “If the shoe fits wear it.” We all know people are not referring to a shoe. In other words, if the description fits you, own up to it. If someone calls you a fool, and you think you are a fool, then wear that title! If someone calls you a hypocrite and you agree, wear it, you are a hypocrite.But when this phrase is used, it isn't usually given to you as an option. It is usually used as a weapon of accusation. With evil, with intent to hurt. For example, “Are you calling me a liar?” Response: “Well, if the shoe fits wear it.” The person hearing this phrase is usually on …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Thoughts about All Alone

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following email was sent by a Lovefraud reader, whom we'll call “Pamela.” She was married to a sociopath and subject to domestic violence.ALL ALONEAll Alone, I am lying on the floor, all "woe is me," the man who promised to love me lied. I can't find a friend and my own mother's phone doesn't work.All Alone, I'm crying on this floor.All Alone, I notice I am still here. I am sad, but still here, and I've protected my dog that he threatened. My dog is still here. And my body is healthy, even after it has been thrown and bruised, I can still GET UP.All Alone, I feel my feet, I wiggle my toes.All Alone, the tears stop falling, and I look at my feet, and I ris …

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We really want you to feel better — and save money

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Dr. Liane Leedom and I have been where you are — crushed after betrayal by a sociopath. We know what it’s like to feel shocked, angry and brokenhearted. It’s awful, and we want you to feel better. So we’re inviting you join Dr. Leedom in her groundbreaking webinar series so you can truly overcome narcissistic abuse. The program is called, Skills training for recovery from narcissistic abuse, gaslighting and toxic stress, presented by Dr. Liane Leedom. Every Wednesday, from Sept. 25 to Dec. 18, Dr. Leedom will lead an interactive webinar. She will teach you how to overcome narcissistic abuse — yes, this is something you can learn to do. She’ll teach you mindfulness and stress reducti …

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Dear Friend: Please do not take back your sociopathic partner

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This is the letter that everyone who has broken up with a sociopathic partner should receive. (It refers to the sociopath as “he,” but the sociopath can also be “she.”)Dear Friend,We’ve known each other for a long time. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin. I care about you, even though I haven’t been able to spend much time with you recently — ever since he came into your life. I heard that the two of you have broken up. I’m thrilled. Are you surprised? Did you expect me to be upset about your breakup? I’m not. The guy is no good for you. In fact, he’s no good for anyone. You may not want to hear this, but the person who you thought was the …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Final words to the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we'll call “Judith.”I hope you read this, you know who you are.I have remained silent for too long. I never used my voice to express how I felt about your actions toward me. I stayed quiet while you stalked and harassed me when I chose to cut all ties with you. I was too worried about what would happen if I spoke up. During that time, I thought no reaction from me would be best and it was. I've since changed my mind and I have determined that there is a difference between "reacting" and using my voice to heal myself.In the last few years, I've done well. I never went back or got caught up in your drama, despite …

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