Editor's note: This article refers to spiritual concepts. For more information, read Lovefraud's statement on spiritual recovery. By Waleuska Lazo So here I was grieving, crying and feeling sorry for myself. I had stayed in a situation that was not healthy for my life. Yet I stayed because avoiding that pain was a stronger emotion than facing it. The truth is I was too scared to feel pain. I was too scared to feel the absence of not having ‘that someone’ next to me. What I did not realize was that I was already facing the pain that came as a daily dose of poison. At first, you are unaware of it. It comes camouflaged with little lies and lack of affection. The doses increased with indi …
What I learned about trauma from my dog
My husband and I adopted a five-year-old rescue dog, Bo, in July of 2016. I wrote about him when we brought him home, which you can read here: My new dog offers a lesson in letting go, on Lovefraud.com. Bo has been living us for over a year now, and he is an absolute joy. When I'm working, Bo usually spends the day snoozing on his cushion on the floor beside me. His internal clock tells him when it's time for his walk, and he gets all excited — he loves going out. Who is he going to meet this time? Bo wants to approach every human, dog and even an occasional cat that happens to be along his route. Bo likes to hang around in the kitchen when Terry and I are making dinner. This, h …
When sociopaths use righteous indignation to exert control
By Eleanor Cowan My husband liked to discuss discipline. The importance of it. The intrinsic value of restraining one’s impulses especially when such personal control would benefit the greater good of mankind. My two children and I’d eat dinner while listening to his serious value-driven talks about what would please God and advance the salvation of this sorry world. Sacrifice and service topped the list. Politeness and containment followed. It’s very hard to look back at those years of my disassociation – to calculate the degree of blindness and emotional paralysis that, unresolved, characterized my life since childhood in my first abusive family. I considered my husband to be a religio …
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How being devastated by the sociopath helped me find love
In the course of our two-and-a-half-year relationship, my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, took $227,000 from me, cheated with at least six women, had a child with one of the women, and then, 10 days after I left him, married the mother of the child. It was the second time he committed bigamy. Once I learned the truth about his behavior, and realized the depth of his deception, I was totally, completely, crushed. But if I hadn't been shattered by the sociopath, I would not have been able to love as I do now. Is your reaction, "huh?" Let me repeat. It was my experience with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, that actually enabled me to find the love I always …
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5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
Finally, you realize what is wrong with your romantic partner: He or she is a sociopath. Finally, the behavior that was so confusing makes sense. The person you loved, and who you thought loved you, has a personality disorder. Now you realize that anything your partner told you could have been a lie. Now you know why your partner could be so cruel, then tell you how much he or she loved you, practically in the same breath. Now you realize that there never was any love, that your entire relationship was exploitation, and nothing more. Now what do you do? How do you move forward? How do you recover? Many of your friends and family tell you, "Just put it behind you. Get over it. Move …
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My experience with my narc ex boyfriend
Left my ex since almost 4 years now, the hell I went through with him, it's a miracle I'm still here. Even though I've left he still pops up here and there doing the hoovering manuever, which is well known for borderline narcs. He would use the silent treatment on me and it drove me crazy as at that time. I had no idea about the narcissistic personality disorder one can have. I was pregnant with his child, I left my country to live with him in his country. He promised he love and all the wonderful things in life and always used to coo about how he would like to see me pregnant with a baby bump and all, so when it finally happened he blackmailed me into getting an abortion. He literally …
When am I going to stop being angry?
By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, CHT After being in a relationship with a sociopath, clients are often conflicted by the idea of forgiveness as recommended by their faith system (I checked and all the world’s major religions admonish to forgive) as opposed to the perpetual anger they feel. As therapists, we never pressure someone who has been abused to forgive their perpetrator, because we don’t want to minimize the impact of that abuse. While someone is moving through the emotions of healing from abuse and trauma, they are going to experience quite a bit of anger, even rage, which can hang around for a long time. Is there such a thing as having too much anger? So when and how do we know how to get …
My sociopathic husband and mind control manipulation
A fresh pail of red barbecue sauce sat on the chef’s counter, ready to marinate overnight. The gluey liquid was lathered on dozens of orders of baby back ribs before they were grilled over flaming logs. I recall thinking, as I brushed on my rouge and applied creamy lipstick for the night shift, that the difference between the calves and myself was measurable. The instant the thought occurred, though, I dismissed it. I wondered at myself. Where did these bizarre thoughts come from? It was the day Stan told me he wanted to take a psychology course at the university. Here I was waitressing nights to keep us afloat and my husband wanted to take a pricey university psychology course about ‘s …
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If you feel an emotional void, the sociopath will step right in
I received email from a woman whom we'll call Adriana: I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40's; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can't find “him.” I don't find most men attractive don't have chemistry with them and I don't want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved. Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted t …
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When women ‘of a certain age’ meet sociopaths
Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman whom we’ll call “Annamaria17.” Donna Andersen responds below. I met the SP in 2006 and he was a supervisor for electric utility company where I live. Due to a power outage he was the Environmental Rep and came to my home. He had just moved here from out of state and I immediately fell for him. We had lunch the next day and that was when I found out he was married. Unhappily of course. Over the next few months, it was agonizing as he would disappear and I had already become addicted to him, the sex and everything else about him. Long story made short, he moved in with me and a month later a friend of mine disclosed tha …