By Ox Drover I recently read The Gaslight Effect—How to spot and survive the hidden manipulations other people use to control your life, by Dr. Robin Stern. I highly recommend this book to Lovefraud readers. Robin Stern, Ph.D., is a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and psychological manipulation. She teaches at Hunter College, Teachers College and Columbia University, and is a leadership coach for faculty. This well-written book is quite reader friendly. Dr. Stern starts off by defining the term “gaslighting” as being “pressured by someone else to believe the unbelievable.” She goes on to show that gaslighting is “an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that ca …
The LoveFraud version of “The Ugly Duckling”
By Ox Drover Once upon a time there was a mother duck who hatched a large clutch of eggs. She had done this many times before and had raised her clutch of identical ducklings, all fluffy and yellow when they were born, into pristine white adults who then had clutches of their own yellow ducklings. This time, however, one of her ducklings was not yellow and fluffy like all the others. His neck was quite long and his feathers were an ugly gray color. Plus, he was quite clumsy when he walked. He was so much larger than his siblings that he sort of stuck out like a sore thumb in her otherwise identical clutch of babies. She was very puzzled about this odd baby and didn't quite know what to …
EMBRACE yourself. You are all you need to hold onto.
Seven steps to healing the lovesick heart. We've all had them. Those icky, sticky, yucky feelings of love gone wrong. The sense of loss. Of abandonment. Of feeling devalued and discarded. Of being ”˜less than' the light of love in our lover's eyes. We've all had them and sometimes, those feelings linger for longer than is healthy for us to reclaim our sense of self-worth, of beauty, of joy in our essence of being alive. EMBRACE yourself. You've got all you need to hold onto is a seven step process that guides you through letting go of the love that was (and will never be again) into loving what is and will always be within you. You. Whole and complete. Living the 3Ms of self-eMPOWERED YO …
EMBRACE yourself. You are all you need to hold onto.Read More
The Bluebird of Happiness
By Ox Drover Today I had an epiphany: I am happy. Really happy. Joyously happy. Exuberantly happy. Why is today different that any other day? Two months ago I was unhappy. Why am I now happy? Nothing much has really changed from two months ago. I'm a few pounds lighter, but that isn't what makes me happy, though, I am working on losing some weight. My bank account is quite a bit lighter than it was two months ago, so that isn't what is making me happy. The psychopaths in my life don't like me one bit more than they did two months ago. I haven't found the love of my life riding on a white horse, or even a white donkey. What is making me happy? Well, today I saw the “Bluebird of H …
Loving ourselves–one piece at a time
By Ox Drover One of the things we hear frequently on LoveFraud and in self help books we might read is to “love yourself.” This sounds like great advice, but the thing is no one ever tells me exactly how to do this. Some suggestions for increasing my “self love” and “self esteem” given in various books and articles are to use “positive affirmations” such as “I am wonderful,” or some other positive self talk that I should repeat over and over inside my head until I eventually start to believe it. Even though I might say these phrases over and over, no matter how positive and “self affirming” they may sounds, somehow I never seem to truly believe them. After saying them over and over i …
A Witness to Healing
Editor's Note: The author of this piece, Travis Vining, told his story to Lovefraud readers back in 2008. He is the son of a psychopath, and wrote about how confusing it was to know that the man was his father, and also a murderer. Travis' previous blog articles are listed under “True Lovefraud Stories.”Travis helped get his father, John Vining, convicted of three murders. The Orlando Sentinel recently published a three-part series of articles about Travis and the murders. You can read the articles here:Part 1 of 3: In ”˜o4, killer's son recalled dad admitted to 2 killingsPart 2 of 3: Plan by killer John Vining's son involves betrayal, lies, audiotapePart 3 of 3: Search for killer John Vining …
RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: When what you give is squandered
Editor's Note: Resource Perspectives features articles written by members of Lovefraud's Professional Resources Guide. Re-thinking identity as a giver when giving too much can hurt By Fannie LeFlore, MS,LPC,CADC-D Fannie LeFlore profile in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide If you've been victimized by someone, chances are the positive qualities you possess were viewed as an opportunity to take advantage of you — often by someone who lacks caring and concern, consciousness or character, usually in combination. Being un-thoughtful and even callous in our stressed, hurried and often competitive and conflict-oriented society can become as easy as brushing one's teeth. T …
RESOURCE PERSPECTIVES: When what you give is squanderedRead More
The marriage and the monster
Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader: I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners. The short end of my question is ”¦ How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you? Range of behavior One reason why it's so difficult to spot sociopaths is because they are not all the same. Soc …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Spiritual encouragement for survivors
Editor's note: Lovefraud honors all religious and spiritual beliefs. However, we've heard of many sociopaths who twist the teachings of the Bible in order to keep victims from escaping exploitation. A reader sent the following letter in order to encourage those who are in this situation—knowing they are being abused, but being told that Scripture says they should put up with it. The reader has no affiliation with the organizations posting the material; she just thought the links were helpful. For those individuals who are of the Christian faith (and / or of any faith) and who have, also unfortunately found themselves ”¨exposed to either sociopaths / the suppor …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Spiritual encouragement for survivorsRead More
Practice makes perfect
By Ox Drover I remember when I first learned to ride a bicycle. Most of us remember the day we first took off the training wheels, because generally, we fell down a few times before we got it right and were pretty safe from falling. It took practice. I can't remember many days before I was about twelve that I didn't have at least one band-aid on at least one knee. Even with the continual road rash I usually had on my knees and elbows, it never even occurred to me to not keep on practicing or to give up on learning to ride the “big kid's bike.” The past couple of months have been rather stressful for me with some deadlines I was facing, some big decisions I had to make, and the usual anx …