Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. By Ox Drover Jesus said to “treat others as you would have them to treat you.” I have tried to live more or less by this rule most of my life. I have tried to treat others as I would have them treat me. I have shown compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring and kindness to those who I hoped would also treat me with compassion, pity, love, consideration, caring, respect and kindness. Unfortunately not everyone that I treated as “I would that they treat me” reciprocated my treatment of them. I always paid back any money that I ever borrowed, but I loaned money …
After the sociopath is gone: From grief to falling in love.
Every other week I participate in a 'one word' blog carnival. This week's word was 'grief'. Grief. A tiny word. Five letters. 'i' before 'e'. A story of precedence. What comes before grief? Love. Friendship. Familiarity. Hope. A belief in tomorrow. A belief in another day. A better day. A different time. A time for endless hello's to fill our day with promise. A time to love. And then death sweeps in and robs us of that time. That moment. Those endless hellos punctuated by good-byes that do not mean, never more, but rather, until later, until we meet again, until the next time. In death's embrace we fall and grieve for the one who was lost, for what was lost, for time lost and …
After the sociopath is gone: From grief to falling in love.Read More
After the sociopath is gone: Your best life yet!
There was a time when all I felt grateful for was the absence of his voice, for just an hour or two from the phone. There was a time when what I was most grateful for was knowing he was somewhere else, somewhere where I wasn't. There was a time when I was grateful not to think of him, for just a moment, or an hour, maybe even, if I was really strong, for half a day. There was a time. And now, the times have changed. The times have shifted, the sands have fallen differently, ever changing, in the hour glass of the passing of the time when he was all I thought of, all I saw, all I believed I would ever live with in my life. The times they have changed. Today I gave a presentation to a …
Thanksgiving–count your blessings
By Ox Drover I'm sure we have all heard the old saying, “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” This “old saying” is true, though I think it is made up to inspire some guilt in us for complaining about the small things we lack and make us aware that we are fortunate to have the many blessings that we do have, which many others are not fortunate enough to have. Another one I remember is, “Eat your vegetables; there are children starving in China.” I always wondered why I couldn't just send the hated vegetables there instead of eating them. It would solve two problems: I wouldn't have to eat them, and the kids in China would be grateful for them. My son D has turne …
Healthy Giving
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. By Ox Drover Thirty years ago I met a special lady, she was my next-door neighbor's sister-in-law. She had grown up in Italy during WWII. Her father was a “slave” to the government and worked for them. In exchange, he was given at least a limited amount of food. He loved his children and gave all the food to his children. As a consequence of giving all the food he had to his children, he became very weak and unable to work at full capacity. His masters informed him that if he continued to give the majority of the food to his children that when he became unable to w …
When nurture becomes nature
There comes a time when nurture becomes nature. This is the time when nurture and nature become inextricable, inseparable. I suspect nobody knows precisely when this point arrives in the development of a given individual, but the immediate ramification is this: When you are involved specifically with a sociopath, or any exploitative personality, it is imperative that you stop asking how this person became who he is? Sure, he likely endured—and was shaped by—some form of neglect or abuse growing up, and if this wasn't obvious in the history, it was still likely there. But here's the point: it doesn't matter. Not one bit. Instead, you must relinquish your empathy, compassion and cur …
Your voice. It counts.
When I was with the man whose lies no longer hurt me, I believed he held my freedom in his hands. I believed I could only be free with his love. With his words. His voice feeding me the lies I called the truth. The lies I believed were truth and was too afraid to uncover with my questions, with my doubt, with my fear he was telling lies. Freed of him, I know the truth. I am free when I watch my words. When I listen to my voice. When I hear my thoughts and acknowledge my presence in my life — without measuring my journey against someone else's belief they hold my freedom in their hands. It took me awhile to get here. Here to this place where I know my value is found in everything I do and s …
Recovering from a sociopath: acceptance and focusing on now
Lovefraud has heard from a woman who we'll call “Sally.” Sally is dealing with a sociopathic man who threatened to kill her, sabotage her daughter's career and injure other family members. She says law enforcement either doesn't believe her or doesn't care. Sally has been in touch with another of the sociopath's victims, and they've helped each other through the nightmare. Still, people in regular support groups don't believe them, and friends and family members have backed away. A lawyer and a therapist have backed away. Sally recently sent Lovefraud the following e-mail: You just can't imagine this, because I can't either. The person that was me is gone ”¦ and no one has taken her place. …
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When does bitterness become a disorder?
The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way. The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can't ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person's present to be occupied by that loss. The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself It is my observation that for many …
Believing the unbelievable sets us free
By Ox Drover There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don't have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are. Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don't want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun m …