Double standards are one of the many hallmarks of being in a relationship with a sociopath. Trust me, as a well-educated woman who was taught that she could hold her own with any man, I didn't think I had married someone who viewed me as a puppet and whose only purpose for me was to service his needs. But, as months slipped into years, profound double standards emerged in my relationship with "Paul." Of course, now that I believe Paul is a sociopath, I understand that Paul held these double standards all along. Although he did not display them at first, at some point, they became part of the poisonous air I breathed. Double Standards Deliver Double Benefits For A Sociopath These double …
Sociopaths are Superb Natural Psychologists
Sociopaths are superb natural psychologists, but they use their insights about human behavior to control and erode. Past Frameworks Bias How We Perceive New Information The world is not black and white; it includes countless shades of grey. To create meaning and clarity out of the grey, we use past frameworks (e.g., my ex-husband, "Paul," is a good, honest person) to process incoming data (the fact that he so often works late reflects his dedication to his career and commitment to support his family). Yet, once this framework has been established, and once we create an explanation (accurate or not) for how an event fits into the framework, we have created a pathway. Repetition Increases The …
The only divorce he will give me is on his terms
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we'll call " Terri-Anne" I have been married close to 15 years with a sociopath from central Europe. We have three kids together. He promised me of giving our kids a good education. I always felt this marriage is somewhat strange with my husband making excuses all the time to leave the house. I only found out one year ago that my husband has been having sex with prostitutes. He dates them and gives them lots of money. He traveled with three of them; one to Utah, to Canada and five European countries. All this time he promised that everything will be fine, but it was just all a lie. Three years ago he had planned to …
If I Explain it Right, He’ll Care
Chapter 7 If I Explain It Right, He'll Care In most of our daily arguments with people we love, both sides are right. It can be mind boggling to look across the table at your partner and realize that they feel just as certain in their position as you do in yours. Some of us withdraw at the point where two "right" sides meet because we hate conflict. Some of us love that spot and try to live as much of life as possible in the state of an exciting debate. Some of us always feel we're even more right than the other and are compelled to explain why, whether anyone else wants to hear it or not. But regardless of our natural tendencies, the bottom line is this: our ability to work through daily …
Warning: Sociopath Ahead!
A friend of mine feared her daughter was involved with a sociopath who was pressuring her to have children with him. Knowing I'd had my life derailed by my own husband (now ex-husband), who I now believe is a sociopath, my friend asked me to tell her daughter some of my story. As one never knows if a seed of information will later blossom into insight, I wrote her daughter a letter. The entry below is based on that letter. Wonderful Qualities Become Profound Vulnerabilities I believe my ex-husband and the father of my children has a personality disorder—narcissistic personality disorder—some refer to such individuals as sociopaths or psychopaths. Such people are more common that most of us e …
Who exactly is a potential victim of psychopaths or sociopaths?
Chapter 5 Who is a potential victim? Everyone is a potential victim of a psychopath. There are two basic reasons why, and my goal in this chapter is to make them clear for you. Why? Because too many people think they can't be fooled or that they're too strong to be a victim, and those beliefs put us in danger of being swept away and devastated by a psychopath. Here are my two points, up front. First, psychopaths handle deception differently, and it catches us off guard. Almost anyone can be fooled, even professionals. Second, the most masterful unincarcerated psychopaths can give a very warm impression and/or they talk incessantly about their values. We are not brought up to anticipate …
Who exactly is a potential victim of psychopaths or sociopaths?Read More
For Sociopaths, It’s All About Them–Even When You’re Sick
Before I met “Paul,” (the man I married, who I realized about twenty years too late must be a sociopath) I had a friend who may not have known about sociopaths, but she knew to call off her engagement to “Mr. Right” because of a cold and a sandwich. Make Your Own Damn Sandwich! Carol was smart, motivated, kind, outgoing, upbeat, and gorgeous. She was clearly a “catch,” and she had come very close to marrying handsome, rich, well-connected “Mr. Right.” One day, Carol was not feeling well and was lying on the couch amidst sniffles, cough drops, and tissues. Her fiancé chose that moment to ask her to make him a sandwich. “If someone's going to expect me to make him a sandwich when I'm the one w …
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After A Relationship With A Sociopath/ Psychopath, Finding The Right Support Can Be Challenging
Getting out of a relationship with a sociopath can be dangerous, draining, and confusing. For me, and I'm guessing for many others, this can be exacerbated by the fact that finding the right support during this vulnerable time can be difficult. Finding The Right Therapist There was virtually nothing left of me after almost two decades of being unwittingly married to a sociopath --chronic, subtle criticism; gaslighting; isolation; blaming; triangulating, intermittent love/affection, etc. To weaken me further so that he could prevail in our divorce, my then husband started using full frontal assaults as well—verbal abuse, financial terrorism (pretending he could no longer draw a salary f …
There are Degrees of Conscience and Empathy
Hello. I'm Helen Beverly, an author and psychotherapist who writes under the name H.G. Beverly. I was married to a psychopath for over a decade and am still dealing with the challenges of raising our children “together” in a society that struggles to deal with psychopathy. I've written some posts about those challenges that you can find archived here on Lovefraud. Also, I published my memoir, The Other Side of Charm, in 2014 and am now releasing my next book one chapter at a time. You can find it here and on my blog at hgbeverly.com. It's called My Ex is a Psychopath, But I Am Strong and Free. This book details my healing journey despite failed systems that left me in constant contact with my …
Labels and Lists Might Not Help
Hello, Lovefraud Readers. A quick reintroduction: I'm Helen Beverly, an author and psychotherapist who writes under the name H.G. Beverly. I was married to a psychopath for over a decade and am still dealing with the challenges of raising our children “together” in a society that struggles to deal with psychopathy. I've written some posts about those challenges that you can find archived here on Lovefraud. Also, I published my memoir, The Other Side of Charm, in 2014 and am now releasing my next book one chapter at a time. You can find it here and on my blog at hgbeverly.com. It's called My Ex is a Psychopath, But I Am Strong and Free. This book details my healing journey despite fail …