This post refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
My first book is entitled, Love Fraud how marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan.
I imagine that for many of you, your reaction to this title is, “Huh?”
God is good, right? The Universe is supposed to support us, right? So how can there possibly be anything spiritual about having your life trampled by a sociopath?
Believe me, as I was in the midst of the struggle, I asked those questions. Except in my pleadings with my Higher Power, I wasn’t so polite.
As you can see from my wedding video, I was well and truly duped into marrying James Montgomery. He presented himself as a man who was smitten with me, who thought the world of me, who would offer me an opportunity to “live in the lap of luxury.”
Love Fraud tells the story of my seduction.
From the very beginning, I had doubts. I thought the involvement was moving too fast. I noticed that his stories weren’t always adding up. I panicked when Montgomery asked me for money (“for our future,” of course).
But every time I sought advice about what to do from spiritual sources, whom I refer to in the book as “Guidance,” the answer was always to hang in there. So I did.
Well, Montgomery was a sociopath, and we all know what happens when we tangle with sociopaths. It all fell apart.
The more my world collapsed, the more I sought answers from Guidance. I asked so often, and so fervently, that I actually became quite good at channeling their responses.
The method I used was automatic writing. I asked a question, and I wrote the answer that formed in my head, kind of like taking dictation. I know that I wasn’t just talking to myself, because the ideas and the phrasing were not mine. The answers came from another dimension.
I include a lot of the channeling in the book — I think these are the coolest, and most revealing passages. That’s where you can see the spiritual purpose of the experience.
Because the end of the marriage to James Montgomery was not the end of the journey.
The sociopath came into my life as a catalyst for major change. Now, I by no means excuse him for his treachery — his actions against me and the other women he deceived were despicable. But because of the experience, I was able to break down internal walls that were holding me back in my own life.
And that’s how my own spiritual plan was fulfilled.
My marriage to a sociopath gave me a new mission in life which is also part of my spiritual plan. My mission is to shine a bright light on the evil that lurks among us, and to help all of you who encounter it to recover.
Love Fraud is part of the healing. It will validate your experience, and show that after a sociopath, you can find love and happiness. For more information, please visit the Lovefraud Store.
Learn more: Deep Emotional Release with Donna Andersen
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 30, 2015.
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath got my brain twisted right away
Rosie Jackson
I am actually grateful to the psycho in my life for opening my eyes to what really matters in life. What REALLY matters are not the things that are so near and dear to him – money, sex and power, but family, friends and especially the relationship with God that had been missing in my life. He can have all the money, sex and control that the world has to offer buy these are shallow, meaningless things and he will never be happy no matter how much he’s able to take from others. He can take everything from me but he can not have my soul and that’s more valuable than anything. I pray that all victims of psychopaths will find peace and happiness at the end of their road through Hell that their psychos have put them on. Money, sex and power? That all you got, psycho? PATHETIC! I pray for you, too.
Rosie Jackson
And I am so grateful to you, Donna, for helping me and so many others! You’ve helped all of us who were taken in, gaslighted, used and abused to see that all along it wasn’t us it was THEM!
Thank you, Donna! Love ya!
Donna Andersen
Rosie Jackson – I agree – as painful as it was, I learned a lot from the experience, and it provided me with the opportunity to help so many others. I am glad Lovefraud has helped you.
BeckyR
Donna, I had to go to youtube to get the video….has anyone done any studies on the link between socio/psychopaths and that “love of words….great article!!!! Thank you!
Donna Andersen
BeckyR – I have seen at least 1 study on how psychopaths use words, but nothing about their “love of words.”
My ex, Montgomery, was very proud of his ability to use words to get what he wanted. He said exactly that to another woman that he swindled I include that story in my book as well. I think he knew exactly what he was doing.
EricA
I am grateful for my sociopath, as well.
He led me to an advanced understanding of antisocial personality disorder,which led me to investigate victimology and in that journey, I found the daughter of a narcissist who had spent most of her life attempting to repair that relationship through various partners throughout her life.
That daughter is me and I’m still working on repairing my internal
damage caused by my ex-father.
If not for Alan, I highly doubt I would have ever found myself and my faith in my higher power has helped me become forgiving enough to accept that reality.
TheWrongOne
Oh yes, Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website catapulted me to a new level of consciousness. It was there and then here w/Donna that solidified my gut instinct and belief in myself as the true gem I really am.
Hope Donna has another book in the works.
Redwald
I have to admit that if that wedding toast was all I had to go by, I certainly would have been fooled. It sure as heck SOUNDED genuine and sincere: a highly polished presentation. And “Waltzing Matilda” as the introduction! “You’ll come a-waltzing, Matilda, with me?” I guess that was true enough. Let’s not forget that “Waltzing Matilda” was a tale told by a rogue, a sheep thief. Seems very appropriate! Now if only all these rogues would jump into a billabong and drown themselves…
AnnettePK
Yes, he is very very charming (like my ex psychopath.) I used to say how charming he was, a word I rarely used. I didn’t know charm can be a red flag.
TheWrongOne
Right, it’s a great tune about a bum with a stick and bandana holding his belongings. Although, I missed the sheep part, thought it was a baby kangaroo or wallaby in that tucker bag.
It’s basically a bum going homeless. I even have the Burl Ives version on my itunes. Uploaded it b/c I knew I’d never have the life I deserve w/that camwhore chasing covert narc psychopath who basically flushed his 6 figure a year earnings down the toilet along w/those hidden toilet cams.
justkeepwalking
His speech sounds so effusive and worshiping — but, seen as given from a sociopath, he focuses on himself quite a lot in it, and his thanks to your parents for creating you *for him* are creepily objectifying and dehumanizing. But none of that is likely to come across without knowing what he is.
Delores
I have grown spiritually and emotionally from the experience but I still have not gotten over the disillusionment of finding out that not all people are good. I was taught in Sunday School that we are all God’s children and everyone is good and sin is just human error, even murder. I could accept that but being married to a psychopath proved to me that some people are just evil and have no goodness in them. Has anyone else solved this delima? Do I just accept that it is not true that all people are good? I could use some advice on reconciling this issue.
Donna Andersen
Delores – the answer to the question lies in the fact that God/Universe/Spirit gave us all free will. Some people have used their free will to go down a bad path. Although we may have all started out good, some people chose to pursue error, sin or evil.
For those who have chosen a bad path, they are the ones who must freely choose to change. But in many cases they don’t want to. They’ve been on that path so long that they aren’t turning back.
We can’t help them. We can only know that they exist and protect ourselves.
AnnettePK
According to the Bible, God has given us choice (Deuteronomy 30:19 for example). Those who ultimately choose to harm others when they have every opportunity for repentance/change will cease to exist (Psalm 1:6, 37:20, 112:10, Ezekiel 3:19, Romans 6:23, and many other scriptures).
The Bible tells us that God does understand that some choose evil and that righteous anger and vengeance are appropriate, but we are to let Him judge and avenge, not take vengeance ourselves (Ephesians 4:26, Romans 12:19.) God promises to repay.
The Bible refers to an unpardonable sin and tells us not to pray for those who are committing it. It is doing wrong willfully, with no desire to change. A person who harms others intentionally without any desire to change cannot be pardoned nor forgiven. Such a person doesn’t want forgiveness. (Matthew 12:31-32, 1 John 5:16-18)
TheWrongOne
Yeah, the truth hit me at 25. Then busy living life, got hit again in my late 40s from experience with this path.
My innocence has been ripped from me. But I will never cease to let my true, pure light shine. Now, I know where to aim it.
liferaft2
I was struck by that absurd beard! I actually burst out laughing when I saw how he’d trimmed a perfect square inside it! How utterly strange. Otherwise he seemed perfectly normal, gentlemanly, sincere, etc.
I’ve noted that psychopaths often come across as odd in some way, eccentric, forced, and yes, ridiculous. Of course when I was young I thought weirdness was innocent and therefore deserving to be overlooked…and unfortunately never allowed myself to refuse a date with someone just because he struck me as strange! Now I know better.
I remember a friend once commenting that he didn’t trust men who overly trimmed their beards. Of course that was back when long hair and a casual look was the thing. But my friend was very astute about people, and his comment has stayed with me.
As for my psychopathic ex, his behavior was odd–that is, insincere and faked, but I didn’t see it that way then. His body language was strange…he had a fussy walk, with his arms held down stiffly at his sides, much like I once noticed in a video of Adolph Hitler…and the ex often mugged exaggerated facial expressions, as well as never stopped talking, even for the duration of intimate moments…and he actually turned out to be a little Hitler himself, but in the guise of a harmless eccentric.
TheWrongOne
BrillianT observation
Stargazer
Wow, Donna, your ex was certainly very charming and convincing, although it you look at his eyes, they are missing a certain depth or warmth. I probably would not have noticed that, and I would have been fooled as well. I look for that now – a warmth in the eyes, knowing what I learned on LF back in 2008.
Stargazer
I believe everything in our lives is part of our spiritual journey. However, in order to wake up to the fact that we are in fact on a journey, it often takes a very jarring and traumatic experience. For me, it was my abusive childhood. It ultimately led me to a career in Psychology which led me to a spiritually-focused graduate school where I went on a 10-day meditation retreat. That is where I became spiritually awakened for the first time. My parents were soul sucking narcissists with no spiritual path. I am very grateful for this, because I grew up without any religious abuse. When I became spiritual, it had nothing to do with religion. Sometimes it is hard to see the path, and I’ve gone off of it for months and even years since then. But like money in the bank, it’s always there when I’m ready. Everything that’s ever happened to me in my life is just grist for the mill, so to speak. But it doesn’t always feel good when I’m in the middle of something painful.