Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. She is having difficulty breaking off an involvement with a sociopath and really needs help.
My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.
I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.
My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man — this love of my life — how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest — not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.
We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.
Trail of lies
So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.
Sucked me back in
One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.
So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.
I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”
So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.
How do I resist?
How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”
How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 23, 2010.
5 reasons why you can hook up with multiple sociopaths
Fannie, thanks for your comments. I’m sure your clients are better off for your personal experiences with sociopaths and growing up being a caretaker. Having lost my dad suddenly when I was a teenager, I was automatically thrown into a caretaking role with my three younger siblings and grieving mother – although looking back, she was a lot stronger than I knew. My father was difficult to get along with and I don’t remember having a particularly close relationship with him. I do remember as a young teenager thinking that I didn’t really like him, though!
About midway through the relationship with my narcissistic friend I realized there were some echoes of my father, not so much in his behavior but his physical features and perhaps some of his emotional weaknesses. These things are so deeply embedded in our subconscious that it’s amazing when it comes to the surface. So one has to wonder what we are “working out” in these relationships.
As I have gotten older I have continued the caretaking role with others, and not always putting my needs first when I should, and of course always worrying about what others think. Although I recognize this in myself, and many of us here are the same way, I am not sure how to truly change. But as you said, just recognizing that we have these vulnerabilities is a huge step.
Here I am….day 12 of no contact! Just wanted to let you all know I’m doing well and I’m still healing. Everyone’s support here is really what’s getting me through. I can only imagine where I would be if I hadn’t discovered this site!
I hope everyone had a great holiday. Mine was extremely busy and full of love and friendship. My stalker has apparently moved on to more interesting bait, so I haven’t had any psycho drama lately. I am still looking over my shoulder, though, and making sure my family and I are safe and secure at all times. I suppose he will come creeping back at some point, and I want to be ready when he does.
But, for now….FREEDOM!
Just wondering if anyone’s heard from wheresmylife?
Almost 3 weeks! Ok, so why have I seemed to come full circle and am back at the anger and insecurity? The analyzing and reading all the old crap and trying to remind myself why I don’t want revenge. I am back to the “I want you to miss me and cry over me and think about ME every waking moment!” I do not want him back, but I want him to want me. What is that? I feel so unlovable right now, maybe I’m just missing the crazy. I miss the feeling that someone finally realizes how beautiful and good I am…that someone can’t live without me in his life. And now that I know none of that was true…I am very doubtful that I really had those qualities to begin with. The SOB has taken what little self-esteem I had and shredded it to bits. I want to do the same to him. I want to snub him.
At the same time, I don’t want to be back on his radar. I don’t want to be the focus of his revenge. So I know better. But Man, do I want to just tell him off. I want to post his picture on all the sites that warn people against people like him. I want to send the Lovefraud book to all his women. I want to send evidence to his boss about how he really lives his life. I want to follow him and be there when he turns the corner in the grocery store, when he gets gas, when he comes home from work, when he arrives at one of the Others’ houses. I want him to see my face, then do a double take only to see nothing. I want him to wonder when I am going to surface to destroy his life, destroy his heart.
But I won’t do any of those things. I will simply go to bed and hope that tomorrow is a brighter day.
Any advice in how to deal with a sociopath when it comes to a child involved. If the person shown they do not care about the child well being and only speaks of self for the four years and only mention the child when it is appropriate for him to used for his benefit. He has never shown no interested in being involved. He mention about tattoo of the child name instead of what he needs to be doing as a father to the child which shows alot of irresponsible in self, he think of things not so important!
Don’t know if anyone still reads this thread, but I wanted to post anyway and let you know that I am doing really well. Still healing, of course, but it’s been 28 days of no contact with the P.
I did get a strange Facebook mesage from a faceless, generic man. I know it’s him. Says he went to school near me and graduated around the same time. His message was almost intentionally “him.” Like a warning to let me know he is out there watching. He used words only I would recognize, that to the outside would seem quite normal and vague. Words spelled the way he spells them and punctuated the same. Creepy. And he knows it. But I neither blocked nor responded to his friend request. Blocking, it seems, implies fear. And responding implies weakness. No response implies, simply, “I nothing you.”
So…holding my own and moving on. Still wondering how wheresmylife is doing. And still thankful for all of you! This site has been a blessing for me. I cannot WAIT to get Donna’s book.
BentNotBroken,
I can not even begin to tell you how much reading this has helped me. Your story is so similar to mine, only I was with mine off and on for 4 years. And every time I would find out about one of the others, he would turn it around on me and convince me I had driven him to be with them. I finally got smart back in April, but trying to end things without the violence and harassment I had experienced other times I tried to break free, I tried doing the “just friends” thing hoping he’d get bored and move on to one of the others full time and just leave me alone. But that didn’t happen. He still wanted to control my life. I have finally broken free from him, but your post from July 16, 2010 so totally describes the merry go round I am on. I think I’m doing so well and then every now and again the feelings you descibed so well come back full circle.
I had to resort to a no contact order for mine due to his harassment when I tried to break free, and I think that was as much for myself as for him because then I knew I couldn’t contact him in my weak moments. He has continued to break the no contact order over the two months since I’ve gotten it. I received 6 calls yestreday and 2 today already, only he’s gotten smart and doesn’t say anything any more. Just listens and stays on the line long enough for me to know that it is him and not just a wrong number. Every time I think I have him out of my life, I get a message on facebook or an email from some faux user that is of course not traceable to him, but I know its him from what he says.
For a while, I felt stronger each time I reported his violations, but now I just feel sad for him… and the other women he will do this too once he is finally out of my life for good. What I don’t understand is the guilt I feel for causing him to be arrested. Why do I feel guilty for making him be accountable for his actions?
Anyway, it’s been awhile since you posted and I hope things are still going well for you. Just wanted to let you know that by your speaking out on here, it helped another person. I don’t feel nearly as alone (or like as much of an idiot for trying to see the good in him) after finding this site. Post an update soon so I can know there is hope for me. 🙂
Philippians,
You may never see this post, but I wanted to give an update just in case. The fact that my story helped someone else means the world to me. I hope that you are continuing to be strong and have wrestled yourself loose from his grasp. This site was my lifeline, and I honestly don’t think I would be so strong today without it.
I remain “no contact” and will never go back. I have grown so much over the past (how many is it?) months. Sometime around Christmas I decided to forgive him. I can’t remember what helped me flip the switch, but suddenly I was simply able to say, “Nope, not going to let that bother me anymore. I’ve forgiven him.” It’s the letting go of that deep-down hurt you get whenever you start to dwell on the horrible things he did to you. Right at that moment when I begin to feel the gut-wrenching pain and the tears well up in my eyes, I remember that I have forgiven him. He has no power over me now. I have taken that back. It’s incredibly liberating.
For anyone who happens upon my story, who happens to be in that place of limbo, indecision, dependence….know that you have met another survivor. You can overcome this evil that has slithered into your life. You just have to want it.
Bless you, Lovefraud. You have given us a voice, and we are empowered.