Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll call Olivia19, shared her personal reflections, in a stream-of-consciousness style, on her experience with a disordered husband. We’ll publish sections of her journaling over several installments. Read Part 1: When Evil says ‘I do.’
Lies accepted in family court
Left alone by all to prove what rightfully is yours, to pick up the broken pieces and make your life. He continues to make all our children’s and my financial choices and lives in deceit and lies.
He is innocent unless you prove his guilt; he need not prove truth and his lies are accepted or justified by misinformation and complication he creates. Chaos works, along with a lack of ability or desire for family court to acknowledge criminal actions toward a spouse. He is committing financial rape on myself and our children.
Disclosure! Not needed! He determines what is just and right. Information all determined by him. Character matters not at all. Nor do laws.
For me to question disclosure is faulted, after all …he swore under oath the affidavit full of lies and half truths. No fault divorce means … you can continue to abuse right in front of and with the legal system.
Though I never wanted divorce for us and our children, I never faulted the divorce. Our marriage never had a chance when abuse, lies, infidelity, manipulation, deceit and theft are one spouse’s way, as I have now learned, see, and continue to uncover.
Cannot afford to fight
His lack of character and integrity definitely plays a part in the division of property, the equality of lifestyle and the rights of our children. Financially my hands are tied. I will never afford to fight for what’s rightfully mine because he controls the money and he lies.
Because of lack of character, or possibly undiagnosed personality disorders the family courts don’t or can’t acknowledge, they chalk it up to a high conflict divorce. It’s not really a legal matter; it’s a family matter.
You can catch them with their hand in the jar or their pants down … displays of adultery, abuse, forgery, fraud, stalking, financial dissipation and abuse, even theft … but in family court it’s excused or swept away to ensure “no fault” will prevail. Bad character need never be judged or prosecuted.
Failure to disclose
The “system” often ties the judges hands. The judicial procedure masks the lacking, missing,or misinformation, the lies and twisting of truths or half truths in its affidavit style. The sham of his disclosure being chaotic, inconsistent and incomplete is hard to follow and decipher in his falsely sworn affidavits.
Even when shown and proven to be lies and inconsistencies, the benefit of the doubt is given, and more time is given to give complete information. To no avail. Getting to the bottom of things and putting it all on the table is unlikely.
Why, with no regard for laws, truth and fairness, and zero consequence, would one without conscience ever properly disclose? This is criminal, a crime against another. Why in family court is it ignored and white washed? Is it under a different jurisdiction?
The individual is too small and not a big enough cost to society, so it appears.
Crimes within marriage
Crimes against one within a marriage is domestic, not criminal. He says: “I can do whatever the F*ck I want. Thanks for playing.” He is laughing all the way to the bank, or his “home safe,” as the case may be. He is likely right. The laws I believed in but knew little about seem to matter not at all. He can do whatever he wants.
The judge has made it an even bigger obstacle to determine marital property already hidden, manipulated, controlled, dissipated and put in others’ names. Truth is distorted by his lies and changing of stories. Equal division of property is unlikely, with the severance of the divorce from the property issues.
He celebrates his now legal ability to continue to commit financial rape to myself, his soon-to-be ex-spouse. The one whose financial access has been denied all along through his control, lies and distortions.
He tells the kids “the divorce is over, it’s all done!”
So … he will continue to use and hide all the money. Now his financial accountability is not necessary. For me and our children, the only aspect of the divorce necessary to carry on with our lives is not all done. Not by a long shot!
The games played at the cost of society and individuals in family court are a flaw in society that is only getting worse. Is RAPE now ok? This is a form of rape. The damage is akin and may never leave the victims. The chance for closure and healing dragged out, prolonged or denied.
Equality in lifestyle is never a possibility — changing the outlook of families and individuals’ lives forever. There is a detriment to this. It is cumulative, and society pays a price along with the individuals.
The children’s financial loss is again disguised and dismissed. They have been watching and will, going forward, watch financial oppression and disparity of and towards their mother, and possibly themselves.
The judge has weighed current monetary gains to the children to suffice without recognizing the future loss due to manipulated information. There are no out of pocket costs to him in his perceived financial generosity to our children, yet it need not be shown in his disclosure, along with avoidance to answer questions with hardcopy records. Also, the one who controls the finances has the ability to outlast the one without the money, thus forcing them to concede to whatever they can get, not what they legally should get.
The system allows this. The individuals rights revoked by the system. Not in theory but in reality.