When sociopaths threaten suicide

If you’re a sociopath, and you sense that your latest target is tiring of your antics and getting ready to leave, what do you do? Well, many sociopaths threaten suicide.

What sociopaths want most is power and control, and one of the most forceful ways to achieve it is to threaten suicide. This strategy is especially effective when they’re trying to hold on to their romantic partners.

Why? Romantic partners care about the sociopath. If this is you, you are emotionally attached. Even if you’ve come to the conclusion that your relationship with the sociopath is not healthy, you don’t want to be the cause of anything bad happening to him or her. So when the sociopath threatens suicide if you leave, it’s too much to bear. You do what the sociopath wants, and you stay.

Cases from the Lovefraud archives

I’ve heard about this from countless readers. Here are a few cases from the Lovefraud archives:

A man in his 30s from Alaska

“The mother of our daughter started off by trapping me by saying she was on birth control when she actually was not. We had major problems due to her chatting with other men online so I left her. She threatened to kill me and herself when I told her I was done. I get a call from her about a month later with her saying she was pregnant so I decided to give her another chance because of our soon to be born daughter. The mother continued to threaten suicide and have major extreme bipolar episodes. She threatened suicide so much that she wrote it down on paper and signed it.”

A woman in her 40s from California

“He gaslighted me, had a double life (still prostituting on the side), would ignore me for days at a time, and “allowed” me to financially support him for most of our relationship. I would have to leave the house at regular intervals because his behavior scared and intimated me. He told me himself that if he drank, he became “homicidal and suicidal,” and 2 years into our 6 year relationship, he started drinking again. When we fought he’d threaten suicide, and periodically he’d break up with me. He enjoyed making me beg him back, never apologized to me, and toward the end of our relationship, began to physically intimidate me.”

Another woman in her 40s from California

“He said he was living with his parents…. Little did I know he had moved in with her. She lived 2 streets away from his parents so he would rush over there if I wanted to FaceTime. Well it came to blows when I found tagged pictures of them.. we broke up he stayed with her. 2 weeks later, he is constantly calling. I said I didn’t want to hear his voice… he persisted and I gave in. He was now just cheating on her. I died inside every day when he would go see her. He’s charming and attractive and whenever he would get busted would play the threaten suicide card. Would just say he’s toxic and would say nobody could ever love him…. so the sympathy was on him.”

Yet a third woman in her 40s from California

“I discovered not only his drinking problem but his drug problem as well which then became the scapegoat for all the questionable behaviors such as lying, and withholding of sexual intimacy. This is when the red flags came out yet I was so hooked into the relationship and the initial months of so much attention and interest that I couldn’t understand what was happening and why he was treating me so poorly. During this period there were many promises to change, and approximately 7 hoovers total. Many of which he would threaten suicide if I left him. It took me some time to see that this was manipulation at its very best, with the desperate crocodile tears and promises to change.”

A woman in her 20s from Florida

“I felt sorry for him and continued to speak to him and thought he needed to be shown real love. HOW STUPID OF ME- to make a long story short without telling it all… he would occupy all of my time without letting me make new friends. He got into fights with my current friends. He would make me believe we would visit one another and back out last minute. He made me turn around after I paid nearly 2000 for a plane ticket to Denmark. He told my father he had complete control over me and I would do whatever he wanted- sadly, he was right… I fought him everyday. But he would threaten suicide or disappear for weeks and I’d be so distraught and feel like I had let someone hurt themselves I began to not function. I went from being a summa cum laude graduate to making C’s in law school.”

The most shocking aspect of the last story — the woman from Florida — is that the relationship was entirely online! She never met the guy. She didn’t know his name or where he lived. Yet he was still able to exert incredible control over her, especially when he would threaten suicide.

Most sociopaths do not follow through with their threats of suicide. In fact, the diagnostic criteria in The Mask of Sanity, the first comprehensive description of psychopathy, Includes “suicide rarely carried out.” Sometimes, however, they do.

Why sociopaths actually do commit suicide

I can think of several cases where the sociopath actually did follow through and commit suicide. What would push them to do this? Did they realize that they were inherently evil? Were they so despondent that they couldn’t bear to live any more?

I doubt it. Here are three reasons why I think sociopaths may commit suicide:

1. Inflicting guilt forever

Sociopaths always blame others for their problems, and some want to blame others — such as former romantic partners — for their deaths. They want the other person to carry the burden of guilt forever.

2. Exacting vengeance

This is probably the motivation in many murder-suicides. Sociopaths, angry that their partners or children have escaped, kill them and then themselves. This is the “If I can’t have her, no one can” phenomenon.

3. Going out in a blaze of glory

For some sociopaths, their behavior finally catches up with them. After a lifetime of manipulation and exploitation, perhaps they’ve been arrested or tangled with the wrong person. Rather than pay the consequences, they take themselves out. Read the brilliant analysis of this by the Lovefraud author Steve Becker, LCSW, called Sociopaths and suicide.

What to do is the sociopath threatens suicide

If you know a sociopath who threatens suicide, he or she could be bluffing, and simply trying to control you. Or, he or she could be serious. What do you do?

In either case, you call 911.

If the sociopath is bluffing, and you call 911 every time the threat is made, he or she will probably grow tired of the police showing up at the door and will stop.

If the sociopath is not bluffing, and is truly suicidal, professionals should deal with it, not you. Therefore, the police showing up at the door is exactly what is needed.

Always remember — you are not responsible for the sociopath’s behavior, even if the sociopath threatens suicide.

Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships