The damage done to strangers, lovers and family members by sociopaths includes physical, emotional, psychological, social and financial harm. Over the years I have encountered many people whose lives have been damaged in this way. The victimization alone is very sad, but people suffer not only from the actual damage but from their psychological and emotional reactions to it. It is one thing to lose a large sum of money or time that you can't ever get back. The losses happened and are permanently in the past. It is another thing for a person's present to be occupied by that loss. The Aftermath is often more extensive than the victimization itself It is my observation that for many …
BOOK REVIEW: A Dangerous Fortune
Editor's note: The Lovefraud reader “Usedandabused” recently found A Dangerous Fortune, by Ken Follett, in her garage. Although it's not a new book—published in 1993—she said it was the best portrayal of a psychopath that she'd ever read. In this breathtaking and complex page-turner, master storyteller Ken Follett portrays a psychopath with sharp emotional clarity that cannot be found in a scientific text. Micky Miranda, the son of a brutal psychopathic South American caudillo of the late 19th century, jumped from the pages into my psyche during his twenty-five year scam of a prominent London banking family. Devoid of compassion and remorse but rife with cutting instincts into the psyches …
Believing the unbelievable sets us free
By Ox Drover There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don't have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are. Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don't want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun m …
The sociopath’s irrational optimism
We've discussed many of the sociopath's traits, such as his missing empathy and compassion; his tendency to remorseless interpersonal exploitation; and proclivity to audacious acts of lying, deception and sundry other violating behaviors. Now, I'm tempted to add to the mix what I call the sociopath's tendency to “irrational optimism.” By “irrational optimism,” I mean the sociopath's irrationally optimistic belief, if not conviction, that he'll either evade or, somehow, otherwise prevail over, the real, probable consequences of his actions. Consider this brief, hypothetical interaction between a sociopath and his partner, who learns with certainty that he, the sociopath, has been cheatin …
Evil exists, and it does not want to be discovered
Evil exists. If you need proof, just look at the horrific case of little Charleeni Ferreira. Charleeni, age 10, of Philadelphia, Pa., died on October 21, 2009. Her father, Domingo Ferreira, 53, and stepmother Margarita Garabito, 43, were charged with murder and endangering the welfare of a child. So how bad was the abuse? The police called it “torture.” Charleeni actually died from an infection that resulted from broken ribs that were not treated. She had a host of new and old injuries, including a fractured pelvis and a 7-inch gash on her head that had been stuffed with gauze and covered with a hair weave. For more details, read Signs of Charleeni's “torture” were hidden, in the Phila …
Regrets–we all have them
By Ox Drover “The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could ”¦ Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that? Regrets! Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices. I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be b …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostile
Editor's note: On April 15, 2009, we posted “Bob's” story—Leaning on his family while battling his wife. Well, the battle continues. Bob is asking the Lovefraud community for suggestions. I recently received the email below from my P ex-wife and wanted to share it with your readers. I would like someone to analyze this to get some insight and commentary on this situation. It is so reminiscent of what I have read on Lovefraud.com and in books and comes really without surprise; it just surprises me of the lengths she will go to try to falsely trash me in an effort to obtain custody of our kids. The allegations are either fabricated or extremely exaggerated. She has a knack for manipulating p …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Vigorous campaign to portray me as angry and hostileRead More
He Will Call It Love. (May contain triggers.)
I am often asked how I managed to get out of that place of darkness to live with such light and joy in my heart today. The answer is fairly simple -- I chose to. The reality is much more complex. The following piece describes where I got to in that journey. It is an excerpt from my book, The Dandelion Spirit. I originally wrote it on a forum I belonged to about a year after he was arrested. It was my 'explanation' of what happened to me in that relationship. There is a warning with this post -- it may trigger you. If it does, breathe -- and know, when a trigger explodes in your mind, it is your opportunity to embrace it, walk into it, accept it and heal it. Only you can make that choice. …
Finding meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath
When we realize that we've been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?” To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced. When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68: My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gon …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: Why has my husband cut our daughters out of his life?
This week we received the following letter from a reader of the blog. I wanted to share both the letter and my reaction to it with you: After 30 yrs of marriage and abuse, I have finally left my passive aggressive sociopathic narcissist husband. I have managed the No Contact fairly well, of course he is the KING of the silent treatment so it doesn't seem to bother him. What I simply do not understand is this: We have two daughters, ages 22 and 24. We USED to have a close family, the girls were close to their dad. However after they have witnessed him abusing me, they have had a few 'spats' with him lately. What completely baffles me, is that when I started the No Contact …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: Why has my husband cut our daughters out of his life?Read More