How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Domestic violence is not a battle of the sexes, it’s a battle against sociopaths

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Back in June, a New Jersey judge declared the state's Prevention of Domestic Violence Act to be unconstitutional. Judge Francis B. Schultz, of the Superior Court in Hudson County, determined that it was too easy for someone who claimed domestic violence to get a restraining order. The ruling was controversial. When I first read about the case, I was astounded that a court would take such a stand against domestic violence victims. Sandy Clark, associate director of the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women, considers New Jersey's law to be among the best in the country, according to NJ.com. New Jersey's law The Prevention of Domestic Violence Act is strict. Some of its provisions …

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McGreevey divorce reveals court’s approach to high-conflict cases

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At some point, anyone married to a sociopath is—or should be—headed for divorce. Once the legal proceedings start, they will be brutal, bloody and expensive. The New Jersey Superior Court just released the verdict in the divorce of James E. McGreevey, former governor, and his wife, Dina Matos McGreevey. You may remember this case. On August 12, 2004, Governor James McGreevey held a press conference and announced to the world that he was a "gay American," and he would resign from office because of an alleged affair with a male aide. He hadn't bothered to tell his wife about his sexual orientation until about three days before the press conference. At his insistence, Matos stood beside him a …

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Kidnapping case exposes need for society to learn about psychopaths

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Reigh Storrow Mills Boss, the 7-year-old girl allegedly kidnapped by her father, Clark Rockefeller, has been safely reunited with her mother, Sandra Boss. Last Thursday, I received a phone call from an ABC News reporter who wanted information about women who marry con men. At that point, I knew nothing about the case. The girl's mother had just released a video appeal to the father of the child, pleading for her safe return. But I did know about marrying a con man. After speaking to the reporter for about 30 minutes, I put her in touch with Dr. Liane Leedom and two Lovefraud readers who were willing to be interviewed. Here's the story: How do smart women get taken by con men? The …

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Welcome Steve Becker, LCSW, as a regular Lovefraud author

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Since January, Steve Becker, a licensed clinical social worker and certified hypnotherapist, has been submitting guest columns to Lovefraud. His articles have been insightful looks at pathological personalities. I'm sure you remember them: Differentiating narcissists and psychopaths Psychopaths' cat and mouse game (my personal favorite) The borderline personality as transient sociopath Heeding the exploiter's earliest warnings It's not weakness, but lack of clarity, that exposes us to an exploiter Getting inside the head of the abusive mentality Steve has a private therapy practice based in Westfield, New Jersey, USA. He works with adults, couples, adolescents and …

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After the sociopath, hard-learned truths

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Before I became entangled with the sociopath, I was an avid consumer of self-help books and programs. Although I was successful in my career, I could not get the relationship thing to work. This, of course, was the vulnerability exploited by the sociopath I married, but I get ahead of myself. In my quest for answers—Why was I alone? Why couldn't I find love?—I once participated in a weekend seminar called "Understanding Yourself and Others." After some initial skepticism, I found the program to be helpful. One of the things I remember from the weekend is a pithy little motto: "The truth will set you free—but first it will piss you off." In reference to sociopaths, truer words were never sp …

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Guidelines for posting comments on the Lovefraud Blog

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In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it's grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch. Thank you all. As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the L …

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Sociopaths pretending to be religious

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Sociopaths like to cloak themselves in a mantel of respect. They seek careers, or pretend to have careers, in fields that people associate with good character, trustworthiness, and authority, such as law enforcement, the military and the clergy. Pursuing a career in religion or spirituality is particularly useful for sociopaths. People tend to trust religious figures simply because they are religious figures, which puts a sociopath several moves ahead when trying to scam someone. A sociopath claiming an inside track to God has a very powerful tool when it comes to manipulating people. Plus, for a sociopath, a career in the clergy is easy—the primarily visible job requirement is an a …

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8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath

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Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we'll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we've all felt: If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am …

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Mental health professionals: Name the disorder. Please.

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Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they're sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again. We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here? They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn't right, and they still don't stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds. There must be a reason. We wonder if they're depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We've been told that they were abused as c …

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The voice of a sociopath

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A Lovefraud reader alerted us to an audio clip on YouTube called, How not to pick up chicks. Here's the story, according to the person who posted the audio: "One of my friends from work and her friend were out one night in the SF Marina district and were hanging outside of the bars trying to find a cab. One of the girls, Olga, ends up meeting this guy Dmitri and they talk for at the most two minutes. She hands him her business card and says call me." Here's what our Lovefraud reader wrote: "You should be able to hear a telephone recorded message from Dimitri to Olga. It is so telling. Only Dimitri speaks, but for anyone needing/wanting a lesson in identifying red flags this couldn't be …

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