How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Looking into the eyes of a con man

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as “Eclipse.” She wrote about her experience with a sociopathic con man. I met the P at the end of 2004. We both worked out at a local gym close to my home. I had been going through a divorce for about a year. I confided to him about my 19-year marriage, of abuse. We became friends for about six months. We then became involved and were falling for each other. He told me he was in a bad relationship, and that he was married, eight months into our relationship.He told me he was trapped and was trying to get a divorce. He told me how his wife was controlling and mentally abusive to him; he was denied any aff …

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9 reasons why sociopaths blow your mind

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UPDATED FOR 2024. When you finally figure out that you're dealing with sociopaths, your state of mind is complete and utter shock. On the one hand, you are relieved to know that it's not you; something is definitely wrong with them. On the other hand, you still can't wrap your brain around their behavior.It's mind-boggling, and here's why:You probably caught some of the lies as you went along, but the sociopaths explained them away. Then you learned that the entire nature of the involvement, the entire reason they are in your life, is complete fabrication. It was never about romance, or shared goals, or family. It was about exploitation.Not only do the sociopaths exploit you and everyone …

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6 strategies to find the strength to choose yourself

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When you learn the truth about your relationship with a sociopath — that it was all fake, and the person never really cared about you — you’re devastated. You feel like you’ve been hit by a steamroller. It’s a searing emotional pain that goes to the core of your being. You may wonder, how can you possibly get over this?Maybe you try to power through, assuming that “Time heals all ills.” Actually, I’m not sure that’s true, at least when it comes to deep emotional pain. From what I can see, based on the thousands of stories I’ve collected, if we don’t deal with the pain, we end up with more of the same down the road. And it’s certainly not true with addictions. Addiction is a key feature o …

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7 reasons why psychopaths, antisocials and narcissists will not change

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Once a psychopath, antisocial or narcissist is an adult, there is no therapy, and no medication, which will make him or her into a normal, loving person. This malignant person will not change.You may find this shocking. In these days of medical miracles, it's hard to believe that there is no treatment for someone who, on the surface, appears to be so normal.So why won't malignant people change? Here are seven reasons:For any therapy to work, you have to want to change. Malignants don't think there is anything wrong with them. Although you and other people are distressed by their behavior, they aren't. Therefore, they have absolutely no motivation to do the hard work of …

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New Year’s Resolutions for Recovering from a Sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. If you're in the process of leaving behind a sociopath, or even just contemplating leaving a sociopath, here are New Year's resolutions to help you accomplish your goal and get on the path to healing in 2024.Resolution #1: NO CONTACT!!!!Do not have any contact with the sociopath. Nothing! Nada! Zilch! Zero! This is the most important first step you can take.No Contact is how you escape the sociopath's magnetic pull. It enables the fog in your head to dissipate, so you can clearly see this person for what he or she is — a predator, parasite, or both. No Contact enables you to find your strength and take back your power.When you implement No Contact, you do not see or talk to …

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10 reasons to roll your eyes at sociopaths

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UPDATED FOR 2023: Everything sociopaths say is for effect. They are not capable of honest communication — every statement has an agenda.If you have a sociopath in your life, your objective is to get to the point that you simply do not take them seriously. When they are making promises, don't hope that this time they'll really come through. Your reaction should be, "Yeah, right."When you hear any of these statements, the best thing you can do is roll your eyes:Impossible — sociopaths are not capable of loveYes, they will — although it may take a while. Sociopaths can control their behavior, so if they need to walk the straight and narrow temporarily to convince you to stay, they will. But even …

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7 reasons not to seek closure from a sociopath

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Relationships with sociopaths are intense. In fact, they are intentionally intense — the sociopath demands your attention, showers you with affection, and proclaims everlasting love quickly.What's the rush? They want to hook you before you escape. All their moves are intentional.You, of course, don't know this. You believe that the sociopaths are in hot pursuit because they are smitten and can't live without you. The two of you are, as they swear, soul mates.Then, either suddenly or slowly, the relationship is over.Huh? What happened? How could this person who painted a glistening picture of your future together just turn and walk away without looking back?You want to understand what when w …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I wanted him to be the guy of my dreams, but he’s nothing but a fraud

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we'll call Loralei, who wrote about meeting the “guy of her dreams.” At the end of her e-mail, I'll comment on it.When I was young, I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother. She didn't give me any black eyes, but I did get slapped, my hair pulled, and it was clear that the world revolved around my mother. I lived in fear, and when I wasn't the target of her anger, I was ignored.Fast forward 40 years. I am a successful businesswoman, I live in a nice Chicago suburb, I have friends, I like to help people, and I was tired of not having a love life. For some goofy reason, I posted an ad on Craigslist; I met …

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10 translations of ‘I love you,’ when spoken by a sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Most sociopaths are really good at proclaiming their love. They often say the words "I love you" so quickly that it surprises us — how can they already feel that way? We just met!When we question them, they respond, "You're the one I've been waiting for all my life," or, "I just know that we're perfect for each other," or something equally endearing.We want to believe them, so we do. They keep pouring it on, until we fall in love with them. The big problem, however, is that our love is real and theirs is fake.Sociopaths are incapable of love. Even though they sound sincere and convincing, they literally do not have the internal wiring that makes it possible for them to feel …

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13 very early warning signs that your new partner may be a controller

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UPDATED FOR 2023. The best way to escape a controlling or abusive relationship is to get out before you are emotionally hooked. But how can you tell when a new romantic interest may turn into a problem partner?Here are 13 very early warning signs that may precede later abusive behavior.You are spending all your free time with your partner — perhaps even seeing him or her every day. If you spend any time with someone else, your partner seems hurt, annoyed or even angry.You may get calls and texts 24/7 — even if you are also spending a lot of time with this person. If you don't respond immediately and your partner demands to know why — well, consider this a serious warning.Your new partner may …

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