How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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What does it mean when the narcissist says, ‘we need to talk?’

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS If the narcissist comes to you and says, “We need to talk,” what exactly does this mean? Why does the narcissist want to talk to you and about what? And since when does the narcissist ever have the desire to resolve a problem or conflict with you? There are specific ways of communicating that seem to be “cookie cutter” for narcissists. They always communicate with a goal in mind: to get what they want regardless of the cost. I believe narcissists are completely predictable, but one must see the signs from the beginning and study how they establish relationships with others and how the dynamics of these relationships play out over time. Examining a …

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How people of the Dark Triad implode: The link is self-sabotage

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS The term Dark Triad always fascinated me. The name sounds so ominous – images of Darth Vader from Star Wars come to mind, as if nothing worse could possibly exist in the universe. The Dark Triad encompasses three sociopathic disorders — psychopathy, narcissistic personality disorder and Machiavellianism. These individuals are considered to be the most socially harmful of all sociopaths. Still, they often don’t get away with their exploitation forever — they may eventually crash and burn, usually due to self-sabotage. People of the Dark Triad meet diagnostic criteria (per the DSM-5) for Narcissistic Personality Disorder coupled with psychopathy and a Machiav …

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Malicious Parent Syndrome and sociopathic behavior

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS I’m a mental health practitioner, and while researching family therapy journals for research on cognitive behavioral therapy approaches, I came across a concept called the "Malicious Parent Syndrome.” It described how some divorcing and already divorced parents actively work to turn their children against the other parent. It sounded very much like how sociopaths engage in parental alienation. Characteristics of malicious parent syndrome The concept of Malicious Parent Syndrome was developed between 1995 and 1999 by a psychologist named Ira Turkat, who specialized in family law disputes, false allegations and relationship poisoning. His 1999 article in the J …

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Restoring your “happy hormones” after narcissistic abuse

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., CCBP, BC Our bodies are equipped with many hormones that act as “chemical messengers” to the brain. When these chemicals are released, cellular changes occur that can affect your wellbeing. Four of them — endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin — could be considered “happy hormones” because they help us feel good. During and after narcissistic abuse, many of the “feel good” chemicals are suppressed as a result of constant psychological and/or physical attack, which leads to a state of hypervigilance or “fight or flight.” Restoring your happy hormones helps you recover. Chronic traumatization rewires the brain and body Most survivors of narcissistic abus …

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Pseudomutuality in the narcissistic family

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., CCBP, BC Pseudomutuality describes a relationship between two people in which conflicts are solved by ignoring them. Following is a case study of how pseudomutuality in the narcissistic family plays out. Names are changed. Heather’s memory of her mother Ever since Heather can remember, her family was the center of her world. Every special event was spent with immediate and extended family members.  Heather can remember as a child that there would be a lot of conversation and laughing, but , she was sensitive to an underlying and unidentified sense of uneasiness and dread at these gatherings. Heather never entertained the idea of having something else …

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The sociopathic behavior of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., CCBP, BC Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (MSBP) is a mental health problem in which caregivers make up or cause illness or injury in a person who is under their care, according to Michigan Medicine. The victims are usually children, the disabled, or the elderly. Some experts view MSBP as a type of sociopathic behavior, specifically as a subgroup of borderline personality disorder. What does this syndrome look like? Three different experiences of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy Chloe is a grown woman who has childhood memories revolving around doctor visits, her mother's illnesses and her mother's concern about others  being sick. Her mother insisted on caring …

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Childhood trauma inflicted through narcissistic families continues into adulthood

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by Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS "These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them." —Rumi Let us say in the present moment you are a 45-year-old man or woman who experienced childhood trauma. You may have children you are raising and an array of responsibilities. Perhaps you have a university education or have been on a quest for self-improvement. On a less positive note, let us say that you are struggling emotionally. You know that there is something wrong with your spouse, but you doubt your gut instincts. You believe you are too hard on your spouse and are being overly judgmental. However, you understand that the spouse mistreats you often, but you never connected the word a …

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How narcissists use COVID-19 against their targets

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS "When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser"--Socrates It comes as no surprise to me that during this "crisis" of COVID-19, narcissists capitalize on the misfortune of others and use the quarantine to take their abuse and lack of respect to new heights. Divorced and separated individuals are especially susceptible to the narcissist’s pathological rage during a time like this. Let’s examine an example of a narcissist using the crisis as leverage. Rob’s ex-spouse wants 100% custody Rob has children under the age of 11. Rob has partial custody and had maintained this custody arrangement for years, but not without a fight. Rob is a hard …

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Emotional incest and enmeshment in narcissistic families

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By Joanie Bentz, BS, M.Ed., LBS Since Joseph was very young, he lived with his mother, father and grandmother, as well as several other older siblings. Joseph’s mother was very controlling. Any time Joseph protested the demands she place on him, she said, “I’m the mother, and what I say goes." And the demands were relentless. Instead of allowing him to socialize with his friends, she wanted him to stay home so she could always monitor him. Never mind the fact that she did not even interact with him while he stayed in the house. All she needed was for him to be present physically. Joseph’s father was a workaholic and was never home — which enabled him to avoid confronting his wife. As Josep …

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Sociopathic Abuse and Impaired Executive Functioning Skills  

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., BSC/MT What are executive functioning skills? As a behavioral therapist, I work with many clients who have impaired executive functioning skills. The term sounds pretty fancy and quite technical, but there is a simple explanation. The term executive functioning skills refer to a set of management skills that assist children and adults in achieving their goals through: prioritizing organizing remaining focused regulating emotions As children grow and become critical thinkers, it is necessary to be able to adapt to change and have the ability to revise strategies to reach personal, social and academic goals. What happens when executive …

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