I recently received a review copy of The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table Recognizing and dealing with antisocial and manipulative people. The book was written by Dr. Jane McGregor, a lecturer at Nottingham University Institute of Mental Health, and Tim McGregor, a consultant, writer and mental health practitioner. This is a slender volume, only 111 pages, plus appendix, index and resource listing. It provides a good overview of the sociopathic disorder, how sociopaths affect their targets, and what targets can do to recover. However, if you're looking for a thorough discussion of these topics, you'll need to augment your reading with other sources. The sociopathic transaction One of …
Why we need to talk about our experiences with sociopaths
Most of us at Lovefraud are here because we've been conned, duped, deceived and betrayed by a sociopath. Once we finally figure out what we are dealing with, many of us do not tell other people what really happened. We do not talk about our experiences with sociopaths. After all, it's embarrassing to admit that no, we didn't see it coming, and yes, we fell for the scam. And if we do venture to describe the sociopath's true behavior, we may be met by disbelief. "What? That charming person couldn't possibly have done that. You must have misinterpreted." We quickly learn that people do not understand what we are talking about. Either they don't believe us, or ostracize us. So we stop …
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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My sociopathic ex left me with only a bare grasp on reality
Editor's Note: This letter was submitted to Lovefraud by a reader whom we'll call “Dolina.” The best way to deal with a sociopath is to avoid them altogether but that isn't always possible and of course, you have to realise that is what he is before he takes your brain and turns it into a bouncy-ball. And that they're not really as fun as the TV makes them look. It might be you. It could be even now, you realise something is horribly wrong with your relationship but you can't exactly think what it is. That even though he never outright says anything concrete, he has a way of showing you how useless, helpless, stupid and ugly you are. You're lucky to have him, he knows that and makes sure th …
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Devaluation and the Inability to Form Emotional Attachments
I'd like to start this post with a passage from the author Jesmyn Ward in Men We Reaped. Here, she talks about how she learned to undervalue herself when her dad left their family: "I looked at myself and saw a walking embodiment of everything the world around me seemed to despise: an unattractive, poor, Black woman. Undervalued by her family, a perpetual workhouse. Undervalued by society regarding her labor and her beauty. This seed buried itself in my stomach and bore fruit. I hated myself. That seed bloomed in the way I walked, slumped over, eyes on the floor, in the way I didn't even attempt to dress well, in the way I avoided the world, when I could, through reading, and in the way I …
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Friday June 20, 10 pm: Katherine Underwood story on ABC 20/20, with commentary by Donna Andersen
Finally, some nationwide exposure to the problem of sociopathic con men. On Friday, June 20 at 10 p.m. (Eastern), the ABC 20/20, the network's news magazine, will tell the story Katherine Underwood's campaign often in disguise to collect the money owed to her by her former boyfriend, Budimir Drakulic. I am interviewed in the show explaining how it's possible for someone to give her partner more than $410,000. I broke the story back in April in an article for the Daily Mail: I'm not done wig you! The many disguises woman wore to spy on an ex-lover who owes her $1.6 m after 20 years. Like a true sociopath, Drakulic never paid. But maybe he will now. ABC News hired a private …
Prolonged stress damages children’s learning, behavior and health
Extensive research on the biology of stress now shows that the healthy development of children can be derailed by excessive or prolonged activation of stress response systems in the body (especially the brain), with damaging effects on learning, behavior, and health across the lifespan. This topic will be highlighted at the National Coucil of Juvenile and Family and Court Judges in July in Chicago. According to the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child at Harvard University, it's important to distinguish among three kinds of responses to stress: positive, tolerable and toxic. "When toxic stress response occurs continuously, or is triggered by multiple sources, it can have a …
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Restorative images and recovery from betrayal
"When we focus on something repeatedly, the brain forms a habit," says Steven Stosny, Ph.D., author of Living and Loving After Betrayal. "We have to be careful on what we focus on." When we discover that we've been betrayed by a sociopath, for a long time that's all we can think about. Although this is a typical response to the betrayal, it also has the effect of keeping us mired in our pain. Stosny suggest replacing the memories of the deception with restorative images, which he defines as "any emotionally laden bit of your imagination that eases pain by shifting mental focus from loss to growth." He explains this approach in an article on the Psychology Today blog: Healing from …
Why I wrote ‘The Muslim Romance Trilogy’
By Juliet Montague Parts one and two of Juliet Montague's Muslim love story trilogy. Part One: THE YEAR I LEARNED TO TEXT — Why Am I Having Sex with a Muslim in My Basement? Part Two: JIHAD HONEYMOON IN HOLLYWOOD — Not Without My Dogs I had not before kept a detailed diary. Looking back at previous journals, one would simply find a note here and there reflecting a doctor's appointment, a luncheon date, an audition, a listing appointment, a reminder to call my mother. My realization that I was into something profoundly foreign, intriguing, and sexually awakening, I began documenting each and every phone call, text message, and encounter with my own personal Aladdin. I had truly nev …
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Life with a sociopath ends in death
Editor's note: Following is sad news from the Lovefraud reader "Hoping to Heal." Several years ago, I was introduced to a young vivacious couple. Both were very attractive and successful. They were charming and fun to be around. Both had lots of energy and seemed to be enjoying life to its fullest. They seemed to adore one another. While I'd never met the man before, he did have a reputation of being a real Ladies Man. He had been married before and had many relationships that he left abruptly. But, he had it All ”¦ good looks, charisma and a good job, and women were beating his door down. At the time I met this couple, I assumed he had "grown up" and gotten his act together. They looked …
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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: How can I help my sister?
Editor's Note: This letter was submitted by Lovefraud reader we'll call "Elizabella." Other names in this letter have been changed. I've spent hours online searching for specific suggestions that apply to this particular situation, but am still mostly at a loss regarding how to handle it and am desperate for help. I'll try to be as succinct as possible, but there is so much to this story. I left an emotionally abusive marriage after 20 years, so I'm very familiar with how these "relationships" work and I am now convinced that my sister, Lisa, is in such a marriage, although she refuses to admit it; she has only hinted at it in the past. She has been married to him (I'll call him Ralph) …