How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The private investigator’s double life

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Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who wanted to be referred to as "PI's ex-wife." I am a well-educated, professional, hard-working person. I moved to Utah, a divorcee with four children twenty years ago. All four of my children are college graduates, two of them are masters level, and are productive members of society. At a church function, I met an investigator with the police department and we became friends. He had all the props: his parents were active members of our church, salt of the earth, well-educated and community contributors. A few weeks after we met, HE told me that the police department was giving him a choice to resign or be fired because HE had been …

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The psychopathic personality and human evolution

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Dr. Robert Hare, who did seminal work in identifying psychopaths, refers to them as “intraspecies predators.” This prompted questions from a Lovefraud reader who asked, If psychopaths are indeed natural predators (by implication, their design is part of nature's plan to maintain some balance) then would we ever be able to weed them out of society? Do they have a purpose in the natural order of things? In this article, I'm going to address the second question. Then, next week, I'll suggest an answer to the first question. I don't know about a purpose, but there are researchers who believe psychopaths are around us today because they survived the natural selection process of human …

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French to introduce law banning psychological abuse

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Those of us who have been psychologically abused by sociopaths—whether we're male or female, and whether the abuser is male or female—know that the abuse should be criminal. It appears that in France, it just may happen. A Lovefraud reader sent me a link to an interesting story in Time Magazine. Legislators from France's ruling party are expected to introduce a bill that would outlaw “conjugal abuse of a psychological nature” in both married and unmarried relationships. According to Time, The legislation seeks to target the verbal and mental denigration, humiliation and manipulation that typically lead to physical abuse. The hope is that the bill will help prevent the emotional wounds …

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Why we don’t know about sociopaths

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I've spoken to many people who have had their lives shredded by sociopaths. They are traumatized about their physical, emotional and financial injuries. They can't understand how someone can cause them so much pain, and be so callous about it. A statement I hear frequently is, “I didn't know such evil existed.” Why don't we know about sociopaths? I think there are several reasons: 1. Mental health professionals can't agree on terminology and diagnostic criteria. These disordered individuals are referred to as sociopaths, psychopaths or people with antisocial personality disorder. Which is the right term? It depends on whom you ask. Dr. Robert Hare, the guru of the disorder, …

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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 16 – The end of recovery

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Because there is so much discussion lately about pity, empathy and compassion in the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, I am writing this article to discuss compassion as it fits into the recovery process. Before I begin, I would like to humbly remind my readers that recovery, by its nature, is a progression through different stages of emotional learning. If the trauma is major, these emotional states will be intense. And they will color our “sight” or view of the world and ourselves. I'm pointing this out as a warning that, unless you are in late-stage recovery, the material in this article may be irritating and you may find me a holier-than-thou pain in the butt. If the …

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The dark side of the man

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A big problem we face in sizing up a partner is getting stuck on, or being seduced by, his “light side—”that is, his apparently (or genuinely) wonderful, engaging, admirable,  gratifying qualities. However, when we're dealing with a sociopath, there is also the other side—the “dark side.” By “dark side” I mean, essentially, the sociopath's exploitive side. And by exploitive I mean, very specifically, his calculated use of leverage to betray you somehow; moreover, to betray you with gross insensitivity to your experience of the injury or insult he's inflicted.  The “light side” of the man must never compensate for his “dark side,” regardless of how well-concealed, and rarely, the …

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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 15 – Comfort and Joy

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Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, the turn of the year, the winter solstice and all the holidays of the “dark” time of the year are celebrations of the miracle of renewal. The harvest and colorful leaf fall of autumn is over, and the seasons are turning again to the beginning of the annual cycle of life. Our gifts, all our gatherings, the lights and candles are all expressions of joy in our shared warmth, and our faith and hope in our survival through the cold months to the blooming of spring again. This morning, reading in bed (Richard Powers' Prisoners Dilemma), I found this line: "Inside each of us is a script of the greater epic writ little, an atlas of politics so abundant it threats to …

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Give yourself the gift of trusting yourself

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It's the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves? This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth. When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our …

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Choose to break your addiction to a sociopath in 2010!

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The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let's take the time to focus on recovery. A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants. When we recently discussed …

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Watch out for this defense mechanism

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You are involved, say, with a pathologically self-centered personality, perhaps a narcissist or sociopath? That is, he wants what he wants when he wants it, and he'll do whatever's necessary (his entitlement) to get it, or take it. Key diagnostic trait: he reserves the right to punish you when you obstruct his agenda. Now here's the thing: in the heat of the moment, you may actually be pretty good at confronting his abuse. Maybe you stand up for yourself pretty effectively? Maybe, in the moment, you're even pretty good at setting limits and challenging his nonsense? So then what's the problem? The problem occurs when you step away from these incidents. In stepping away from them, …

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