How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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If we want something different, we need to do something different

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By Amber Ault, Ph.D., MSW I’m fond of this axiom: “If you want something different from what you’ve had, you need to do something different from what you’ve done.” Here’s an important corollary: Doing something different will, at first, feel strange. When we envision something different for ourselves and begin to practice creating it, it’s important to prepare to receive it. Otherwise, new possibilities will be assimilated by the powerful machinery of old patterns and we’ll continue to feel stuck. It’s not enough to want something different, or even to envision it. In order to create something different, we must release the barriers — often unconscious — that stand in its way. We need to l …

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Freeing oneself from a sociopath is challenging and can be dangerous

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Every week, a chapter of my book, "Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned" (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post. Chapter 47: Divorcing a Sociopath--Round II As I turned the corner and the house slipped from view, I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Five minutes later, text messages and calls flooded my phone. I ignored them and kept driving. A few minutes later, I pulled into my bank’s parking lot and tried to breathe normally. I checked my phone. All the texts and calls were from Paul. I n …

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Sociopaths and double lives

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A reporter inquired about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers? Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women. Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their j …

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Raw power and control — the core of what sociopaths want

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "Maisie." Here is my story. I would be grateful for any thoughts as I'm still trying to make sense of something I went through. I was in the very best relationship for 25 years and then he died. Afterwards I was utterly heartbroken and alone as a result I think of being still quite young in my circle of friends and them not being able to cope with the tragedy. In the village where I lived a newcomer stopped me whilst I was walking to introduce himself. He would stop from time to time to talk to me. I was in a desperately lonely state and eventually agreed to visit him. As his neighbours …

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Realizing a sociopath has no ethical compass or moral boundaries is brutal

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Every week, a chapter of my book, "Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned" (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post. Chapter 46B: Divorcing A Sociopath—Round I My breath caught. My chest tightened. Fear welled inside me. I swallowed, trying to coax moisture back to my mouth so that I could speak and conceal how scared I was of Paul in that moment and of what might happen in the future. “Don’t move back in,” I said. “It won’t be good for the kids. It’s already hard enough. And I saw the check you wrote …

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Forcing kids to bond with parents they don’t want to see

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Sometimes, in high-conflict divorces, children do not want to have anything to do with one of their parents. Many Lovefraud readers have seen their sociopathic ex-partners turn children away from them. They call it "parental alienation." But sometimes sociopathic parents fabricate claims of parental alienation in order to pry children away from the other parent. They claim the other parent is intentionally poisoning the kids against them, when, in fact, it is their own abusive behavior. It can be very difficult to know what is going on and who is the abusive parent. But a new industry has sprung up — programs that claim they can reunite children with a parent whom they don't want to sp …

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Because “kindness” and “empathy” are faked, a sociopath can turn evil in an instant

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Every week, a chapter of my book, "Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned" (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post. Chapter 46A: Divorcing A Sociopath—Round I As we discussed dissolving our marriage, Paul’s initial strategy was to act kind and generous. He urged me to follow his lead, and everything would be all right. I asked him if he was involved with another woman—not that it made a difference. I just wanted to know. He assured me he wasn’t dating anyone and laughed at the absurdity of the idea. …

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We are in counseling, and his objective is to get the counselor to fix me

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Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "Shoni." I am just starting to believe my husband of 12 yrs may be a sociopath. I had the house, the car, the job when we met. He was new to the area going through a divorce from his Canadian wife. He was intelligent, charming, attentive, talkative, fun. Seemingly enjoyed church and a relationship with God. Never missed a Sunday. Now he calls himself a prophet. He reported my stepsister to the Fraud dept of IRS hoping to collect 10% recovery fee. He said God told him to do it. It puzzled me why he didn't have a good work ethic. He took over my stock portfolio, belittling my stock choices. He made terrible choices, I …

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7 reasons why regular people enable sociopaths

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Three former administration officials of Penn State University were sentenced to jail last Friday because they failed to report signs that Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant football coach, was sexually abusing boys. This is right and just. They should be held accountable. The former university president, Graham B. Spanier, will spend at least two months in jail, followed by two months of house arrest. Gary Schultz, the former athletic director, and Tim Curley, a former vice president, will also spend time in jail, followed by house arrest. On October 9, 2012, Sandusky was sentenced to 30 to 60 years in prison for assaulting 10 boys. However, more men also came forward, and Penn …

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Despite the ocean between us, he controlled my every move

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Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we'll call "Larissa." I met him while I was traveling through India. We crossed paths twice within an hour and chatted at the seaside cafe where I had ordered a meal. He was very attractive, striking even - but I was not at all consciously interested in a romance with this guy. I had encountered quite a lot of lechery as a woman traveling alone, although he seemed different. Gentle. Interesting. He seemed very savvy and initially, even slightly aloof to the point of seeming guarded around me. Polar opposite to what I had been experiencing! He asked what my plans were and from that point, to cut a very long story short, he hijacked …

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