UPDATED FOR 2023. If you're struggling to get over an encounter with a sociopath — whether a romantic relationship or some other involvement — keep this in mind: They are losers. They are not worth any emotional energy that you are spending on them, or any pain that you feel. Here's 10 reasons why: 1 Sociopaths cannot love the way you do The root of serious personality disorders — antisocial, narcissistic, borderline and psychopathy — is an impaired ability to love. These people cannot feel empathy like you do. They are not interested in caregiving — a critical component of real love. People diagnosed as antisocials or psychopaths are not capable of love at …
10 reasons why psychopaths get away with it
UPDATED FOR 2023. Why is it that psychopaths frequently get away with cheating, abuse, backstabbing, fraud, theft, and other nefarious activities — even murder? Here are 10 strategies that these exploiters may employ to escape accountability. They lie while looking you right in they eye, without a trace of nervousness or guilt. If they're caught in a lie, they easily lie to cover the lie. It's no wonder they are believed. They say they would NEVER do such a thing, and HOW can you possibly accuse THEM of such behavior? Everyone doubts you, and you even doubt yourself. If that's you, they ruin your credibility, often starting the smear campaign long before you even realize what …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: When The Player becomes The Played
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we'll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed. I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally. Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had …
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Psychopaths as puppet masters
UPDATED FOR 2023. You and I feel personal satisfaction through accomplishment, or warm human relationships, or being of service to others. Psychopaths feel personal satisfaction through pulling the so-called strings and making people jump. They do something that they know will upset you just to see you cry. They trap you into no-win situations to watch you squirm. They devalue and discard you, so they can watch you fall apart. Why do they do this? Social motivations The answer lies at the heart of the personality disorder. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, psychopaths have an out-of-control power motivation. Researchers have identified four social motivations. These are …
If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?
UPDATED FOR 2003. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Alana." She asks what it means when a sociopath cries. Thank you for this wonderful site. Unless you have been through it, no one can understand the insanity of a Narcissist/psychopath. There are three things that I have noticed about my Narcissist. Donna Andersen responds Before I address Alana's questions, I want to lay some groundwork. We all know that there is an infinite variety of people in the world. People all have different traits, behaviors, virtues, faults, habits, strengths, weaknesses, passions and fears. This applies to disordered people as well. Even when …
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Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally
UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we'll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don't take it personally. I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I'm divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions …
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Is there any way to successfully deliver a warning message that the new conquest will actually hear?
UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as "FreedomWithNoRing," who asks about delivering a warning message to the sociopath's newest target. Donna Andersen responds below. I am so thankful for your website. There is so much valuable information there to help with understanding how and why one could get locked in and stay with a sociopath. I was married to an abusive sociopath for 25 years (I met him when I was 12 years old) and finally found the courage to leave 4 years ago. Divorcing and trying to co-parent with a sociopath is a complete nightmare. My ex was with another woman for 2 years. Eventually they bought a house …
With sociopaths, words and actions can both be lies
UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as "new_day." She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies. I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, "Words may lie but actions always tell the truth." The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!! Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud. Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the …
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The narcissist and the ‘Drama Triangle’
by Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS The “Drama Triangle,” also known as the “Victim Triangle,” is a social model of human interaction developed by a psychologist named Stephen Carpman in 1968. It is a power game where individuals consciously or unconsciously choose the role of Persecutor, Rescuer, or Victim, depending on the context of the situation. I came across this model while conducting research on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method that mental health clinicians like me often use to assist their clients. It’s a process of logically challenging the validity of their thoughts by putting them “on trial.” The Drama Triangle is closely related to psuedomutuality, which …
Classic sociopathic control strategy: Accusing you of cheating
UPDATED FOR 2023. I was sitting at my kitchen table one day during my marriage to the sociopath, James Montgomery. We were arguing — I don't remember what about; we argued a lot. All of a sudden, Montgomery accused me of sleeping with another man. I was shocked. I had been friends with the man for about 15 years before I even met Montgomery. We were good friends. But that's all — friends. Still, Montgomery raged at me, "I know you had sex with him." I denied this, vociferously. Montgomery kept accusing — but eventually backed down. The accusation came out of thin air. I hadn't even seen my friend in months. So why did Montgomery do this? Sociopaths assume everyone cheats First …
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