One thing that's certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians. They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history. And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they've caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances. And that's, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met t …
True and pithy observations about narcissists
Editor's Note: Laughs in the e-mail today sent by a Lovefraud reader. Enjoy! Narcissist sayings about themselves: "A lie is as good as the truth if you can get someone to believe it.'" "I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me." About Narcissists: "He was the only man I ever knew that could strut while sitting down." "Every narcissist woman wants a man she can look down on." "There's nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them won't aggravate." "She was truly a legend in her own mind" Things it is better NOT to say to a Narcissist: "I'd love to stay and listen to you talk about yourself, but I gotta run." "Before you begin, may I adjust your …
The “Blame” Card
After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon. This isn't a surprising observation: Don't like what you're hearing (because it's inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it's inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable. Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!). For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to …
BOOK REVIEW: Emotional Vampires
This book has an appealing title and an appealing theme—comparing people with personality disorders to vampires. But my opinion of Emotional Vampires—Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., is decidedly mixed. The book gives a brief overview of personality disorders in general, and then discusses five types of problem people—antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid. The author provides checklists to help you identify the problem personalities, and tips on how to deal with them. Dr. Bernstein's writing style is breezy and entertaining, and he uses made-up anecdotes to illustrate his points. To be fair, it seems that the book is …
Empty, bored chameleons
Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like. On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn't before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a …
Catch and release
Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we'll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem: Catch and Release Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead I will ravish you not physically, but with words sensuous and firm with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched to that intimate space between your ears. I will watch you wriggle with denial, claw with anger, bargain for release, splash like a drowning animal in h …
The nature of the “abusive personality”
Unfortunately clinicians and researchers often tend to interact with a specific segment of our society and to develop their own ways of describing the problems of the people they work with. For example, there are professionals who work with clients who have “personality disorders”, there are professionals who work with criminals in the justice system and there are professionals who work with perpetrators of domestic abuse/violence. Each of these three groups of professionals has their own lingo for describing very similar people with very similar patterns of behavior. Each group also has a different “theoretical orientation” or view of the problems of humanity. Because those who work with …
No Shame, No Gain
Unless your abusive partner can feel shame for his violating behaviors, he will make no gains. That's why I say, no shame, no gain. By “gain” I mean, of course, the permanent ceasing of his abuse. This rules-out sociopaths who, by definition, will lack the capacity for shame necessary for personal reform. This is worth repeating, as basic as it is: the sociopath is beyond help, beyond reform. Only his victims can help themselves by escaping, and healing, from him. And yet shame alone isn't enough to produce gain. It's what the abuser does with his shame that's critical. If he projects his shame defensively into, say, “blame,” then he is going nowhere fast. And unfortunately, all too ofte …
Dr. Donald G. Dutton explains that personality disorder is the cause of domestic violence
For the past several years Donna and I have attended the Battered Mothers Custody Conference and so we have been able to interact with domestic violence experts. Both of us were surprised to discover that although most of the worst spousal assault perpetrators have personality profiles indicative of sociopathy/psychopathy this fact is not recognized by many experts. I have worked to become well acquainted with the scientific literature regarding intimate partner violence because I teach psychology of gender and because I very much want to understand why people who should know better often fail to diagnose sociopathy in perpetrators. This failure to diagnose has lead to intimate partner …
Dr. Donald G. Dutton explains that personality disorder is the cause of domestic violenceRead More
The Lovefraud Version of the “Emperor’s New Clothes”
By Ox Drover When we were kids most of us have heard the story of the Emperor's new clothes, in which a very narcissistic emperor who wanted the most beautiful and wonderful clothes in his kingdom. Here is just a little bit of a different version. Once upon a time there was a very narcissistic emperor who was very dumpy, unattractive, and had a very large nose, but he thought that if he had the most beautiful clothes in the kingdom that he would be very attractive to the ladies of the court. Even though he was a married man, he loved to have the ladies of the court admire his new clothes and tell him how handsome he was. One day a couple of psychopathic con men were in a tavern …
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