How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He assured me he would never, could never hurt me like that again

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we'll call "Bernice." I had been out of an 18-year marriage for a year when I met my lovefraud. My husband was a selfish man who enjoyed his pornography. At the beginning I tried to be the good wife, experience things with him. The pornography I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy. I explained to him that for me it was a major turn off, almost sickening some of it. All that accomplished was him watching alone. When the children came along we only grew further apart. Over the rest of the marriage he became more and more independent from the children and I, often treating us like we were an inconvenience. He would …

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Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW: Why We Don’t Believe in Badness

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By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey Throughout graduate school for social work, when the professors were teaching us about how to establish a working therapeutic relationship with a client, they repeatedly drove into us to “have unconditional positive regard for the client.” Implied in that phrase is the stance that we cannot accurately help someone we have prejudged. We learned first and foremost to see the valuable human being behind the behavior, to have compassion, and understand the reasons that brought a person to their present circumstance, even if it is criminal behavior. People in the helping profession are there in the first place because they are hopeful …

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Revisiting prevailing myths about sociopaths

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 As I work with partners and other victims of sociopaths, I see regularly the persistence of certain myths about these destructive individuals. These myths can retard the process by which partners fully recognize the sociopath for who he is. They can protect him by supporting his “mask” or, at the very least, supporting the “rationalizations” his partners and victims sometimes use to “cut him the slack” he surely doesn't deserve. For instance, commonly I hear the position, “Well, he's not always like this. He doesn't always act like this.” This supports the notion that sociopaths are continuously flaunting their disorder. But this just isn't the case. To begin with, we know that many soc …

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10 things sociopaths want (besides money)

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A Lovefraud reader recently asked the following question: If the sociopath is not in it for money (he pays for everything with no access to my accounts) then what are other reasons to stay in a relationship if he doesn't live with me nor do we share anything financially? Many of the posts I have read involve financial fraud. If a sociopath has targeted you, it's because you have something that he or she wants. Often it's money, but not always. Here are 10 more things that the sociopath may want: 1. Sex Sociopaths crave stimulation, and sex is highly stimulating, so they pursue it. However, sociopaths are not slaves to their physical urges. They often use sex primarily as a tool of …

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The Psychopath’s Enablers

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By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Psychopaths do a great deal of damage to their victims. The fact that there are people who are aware of what they are doing and choose to “look the other way” or to “sit on the fence and do nothing” enables the psychopaths to continue to abuse their victims. If the bystanders would stand up and assist the victims, even acknowledge that they are being victimized, the psychopaths might not be quite so successful. One of the most famous of these enablers who chose to look the other way was a man named Pontius Pilate, the Roman prefect in Jerusalem in AD 33. When Jesus was brought before him by the Jewish leaders, Pilate stated that he found “no fault” in J …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: His most lethal weapon was disarming ‘innocence’

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Editor's note: The following story was sent by a Lovefraud reader whom we'll call "Beatrice." The name of the perpetrator has been changed. Its now four months since I've found out the cold, hard truth about my ex, and I really want to move on, but would also find it cathartic to share my horrific experience with as many people as possible also if I can help one other person to avoid the pain and trauma of the past two years I will not have wasted my time. Please feel free to share this with as many people as possible, the more people know about these dangerous predators, the less their power to destroy others lives will be. Four months ago on 15 May 2012 I had a phone call which …

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Soldier allegedly fakes divorce and commits bigamy

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Army Staff Sgt. Zachariah Siemers allegedly dumps his wife of 20 years, and their four children, with a bogus divorce decree, then marries another woman. The Army charged him with seven violations of military law—then dropped the case. Read Woman divorced from suspected Army vet bigamist, on Military.com. Link provided by a Lovefraud reader. …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Having a child with a sociopath, I am no longer a mother

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Editor's note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who we'll call "WalkonMom." I used to think that "six" was my lucky number. And sometimes, I used to remind myself to show gratitude for six little things, like, the sound of New England leaves as they rustle underfoot, the first snowfall with really huge flakes, each breath flowing in and out, especially when you recognize that you are free for the first time, the scent of your baby's head as you cradle and rock her in your grandmother's rocking chair, the preciousness of each holiday, along with the sacred spirit of wonder that fills you as you see your child grow from year to year. Falling in love, and realizing …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Just a gigolo

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader whom we'll call "Esther." I have experienced so many disturbing relationships since I left my psychopath former husband. I thought relationships could not be any more dysfunctional than my marriage. What I am now discovering is that I am a magnet to these predators. This site and many others have helped me to understand how I doubt my fear response, second guess my feelings and am actually delusional when I project onto others the psychological work that I have done to clear my ego defensiveness, blame, shame and guilt. I want to believe that others will work with me, be kind and Christian. I have found this to be a …

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What did the sociopath give me and why is it so hard to let it go?

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Editor's Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it. I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn't ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn't I release it and move on with my life? Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me  feel like he did. And by that I …

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