How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Even though we break up, we continue to see each other

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When I was 45 years old and fresh out of a divorce, I started an almost 3-year long distance relationship with a man that is 18 years younger than me. It was supposed to just be fun and it was until it wasn't.  We met on airplane, both of us going to work. He is an officer on a tugboat and I an administrator of a private independent school. We had 30 days of getting to know each other over text, phone calls and FaceTime while he was on the boat. Once off the boat we decided to meet and we met up every time he got home the entire course of this relationship.  The first year was a situationship. He led me to believe there was no one else, yet we had not defined the …

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My journey through NPD abuse and the fight for my children 

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For over 15 years, I endured profound abuse at the hands of my ex-husband. His manipulation and control were pervasive, leaving me and our children in a state of constant fear and instability. When he finally left, he did so in a manner that ensured our suffering would continue. He abandoned us in a broken-down trailer, neglecting to pay rent for six months and placing a lien on our only car. With no money and no means to improve our situation, I was left with $20 in cash and the daunting task of figuring out how to survive.  He took everything of value, including our tax money and all our savings, and told me to "figure it out." This was not just a financial blow but a calculated …

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Does he sound like a full-blown narcissist and/or sociopath? Or maybe some form of borderline personality disorder?

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "bonnie2017." Donna Andersen responds to her questions at the end of the letter. Names have been changed. Following my most recent life-shattering break-up 4 weeks ago, I happened upon your website, lovefraud.com, and found it extremely helpful and insightful! I first wanted to thank you for all the invaluable information you provide. I also wanted to tell you my sad story about my almost-baby-daddy and get your feedback. Maybe it can help others too. From January through May, I had been unknowingly dating what I thought was a narcissist (but recently realized he may …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: ‘Good Guy’ Gone Terribly Wrong

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman about a "good guy" gone wrong. She went public with her experience in order to draw attention to the terrible problem of domestic violence. The name she uses on Lovefraud is “Tormented.” In 2008, I divorced my husband of 18 years due to differences that unfortunately we couldn't work out. We have three amazing children together and remain good friends in spite of our divorce, which has made things much easier for all of us. Just five months after the divorce, I met a man who charmed me from the very beginning. I thought he was wonderful, and I quickly fell head over heels for him. A former county dep …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: ‘O like Umbrella,’ and the shut down mechanism

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims. As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it's called. Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years a …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Things people say

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here's more of her experience about "things people say." I'll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: "You're paranoid." I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they're the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does. I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, "Trust your instinct." He told the audience to take women seriously when they …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed. Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed "resources" I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to "get it" little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support. The comment goes like this: "Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trying to expose the sociopath made matters worse for me

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we'll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath. I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we'll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders. Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed. We were …

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Shocked by the lies, even though I lived them

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Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Laura24. She was shocked by the lies her boyfriend told her over their years together, even though she lived them. I spent 12 years in a relationship with a sociopath. In the 10 years that we lived together, he had convinced me he owned his own business, had a bachelor’s degree, and that he was financially stable. Stunning revelations Some of the revelations that still shock me today even though I lived it: As far as I'm aware, I'm the only person he had ever dated other than the 18-year-old girl he was sleeping with. I'm not sure how much she knows about him. Learn more: Maybe y …

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Running for my life

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Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call Charlotte24. She is so terrorized by the sociopath that she says she is “running for my life.” I am about to lose my freedom. He has destroyed my life and is still trying. I have received 4 CDVs (criminal domestic violence charges) in one year. He has so many other prior charges — assaults on females — and CDVs, including one assault charge with me, because he cut my clothes off me and left me on side of road 3 hours away from home and never came back to get me.  He has come and hunt me down and he would be crying and begging for me to go back knowing that I have a no contact order with him. I would …

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