How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: On a healing path with my inner child

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Editor's note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.” The first epiphany of my recovery from the exspath's damage was when my astute counselor identified my “shame-core.” In that same session, it was suggested that I read Healing The Shame That Binds You, by Bradshaw. Since I was grasping for any and every lifeline, I undertook this suggestion with a tenacity that, even in retrospect, still astounds me. I needed answers and my counselor rather shoved me in that direction, mercilessly. I use the term, “mercilessly,” because it seemed harsh at the time, but it was a truly caring and merciful shove. In a nutshell, my “shame-core” was a system of beliefs that caus …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Setting the record straight

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "Toby." This letter is from "Toby" to his ex girlfriend named "Celest." Names have been changed. Dear "Celest." After our talk the other day I was thinking about what you were saying in reference to "Respect." Let's talk about that. I know that here in this format I won't be interrupted every time I try to make a point. You constantly say that I need to get over you and the past. You also act as if nothing in the past matters. Even four years ago is ancient history (according to you). This however, is another one of your flaws. I would chalk it up to your age but you seem really bent on this point …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Not my sociopath

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Editor's note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader "Adelade." January 30, 2013, was the “day after” my divorce trial. I was granted my maiden name as a term of the divorce. The rest of the terms aren't important. What is important is that once I discovered what he had done, he ceased being “mine” in every capacity. He was no longer “my husband,” and he was never “my spath.” He is his own disordered individual and belongs to himself, solely, and forever. Once a person is proven to be toxic to me, they are no longer “mine,” and I would like to convey this concept to every LoveFraud reader to consider. When they were “ours,“ they were strictly an illusion. What they t …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Still lying after all these years

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Editor's note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader whom we'll call “Ella Mae.” I wish I would have read the signs early on and went with my gut 6 years ago. My story is this. We have been in a relationship for six years. Two of those six years we were married. We decided we would get married because I got pregnant. I thought that he would change and we would live happily ever after-- but that wasn't the case. When we were dating there were many red flags but I chose to ignore them. Every time he was caught in a lie, he would have an explanation. Me being naive, I thought how can someone possibly make a lie for everything. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and bel …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, betrayal, and no guilt whatsoever

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Editor's note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we'll call "Ruby." She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language. When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Solutions to our pain

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Editor's note: The following article is by the Lovefraud reader NewLife43. RE: The Love Fraud article Back in Control of the Panic Buttons by “Adelade,” posted January 13, 2013. This article rang so true for me. In fact, this one triggered the most physical reaction that I've had in a long time. Not just crying, I was literally feeling panic and upset in my gut, my chest, my shoulders. I was such a mess I felt myself losing my grip on reality! So much of what she wrote about the money situations and the birthday/holiday things in her life rang like the loud bongs of church bells inside my head. The noise was deafening! It brought back all those feelings of "being pushed and rushed in …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Are cats sociopaths?

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following from the Lovefraud reader who posts as NewLife43. I not only read Lovefraud to help me with the backlash from my 8-year relationship with my spath. I also read an interesting blog written by and for sociopaths, answering some of their questions, presenting criteria about what makes a sociopath what s/he is. It's very enlightening, particularly when I am sorely missing my ex-spath and need to remind myself why we are no longer together. Since it's on the Internet, the spaths are surprisingly honest. Sometimes, the posts can be very chilling, when they are honestly posting about the way they think, causing a shiver to run down my spine that I e …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I guess something good came out of this story

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Editor's note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as "Ms_Snowhite." I want to share with the readers at Lovefraud something that happened to me tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back to sleep. You know, it was one of those moments when you suddenly wake up, your mind is clear of everything and you start thinking. So I was lying on the bed thinking about the spath again and how there would probably never be justice for the things he has done to me, and then, I had started to think about other people that had hurt me a lot by intention in the past too. You know, friends that had betrayed me, co-workers that were …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Whole relationships documented in phones is not proof of authenticity

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Editor's note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name "Transcendence." I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence. I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Cognitive Dissonance and the Psychopath

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Editor's note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as "Betsybugs." The term cognitive dissonance is used to describe the feeling of discomfort and confusion that results from holding two conflicting beliefs. When there is a discrepancy between beliefs or beliefs and behaviors, something must change in order to eliminate or reduce the mental conflict. Psychopaths use cognitive dissonance to entangle victims, to keep victims confused and docile and to create pain. My story is a story of cognitive dissonance. My cognitive dissonance began in childhood when my father would go into rages, chase one of his daughters into a corner and beat the living daylights …

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