By Ox Drover I remember when I first learned to ride a bicycle. Most of us remember the day we first took off the training wheels, because generally, we fell down a few times before we got it right and were pretty safe from falling. It took practice. I can't remember many days before I was about twelve that I didn't have at least one band-aid on at least one knee. Even with the continual road rash I usually had on my knees and elbows, it never even occurred to me to not keep on practicing or to give up on learning to ride the “big kid's bike.” The past couple of months have been rather stressful for me with some deadlines I was facing, some big decisions I had to make, and the usual anx …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I fell for it a million times
Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman whom we'll call "Abigail." I met my now ex-boyfriend June 2004. I had been divorced for 4 years; my kids were 7 and 10. He is a police officer. The night I met he seemed depressed, I asked him, "Why are you so sad?" He replied, “I got divorced this week.” By the end of the night I was really excited; I really liked him! I had been alone for four years. We started dating. Since I thought he was recently divorced, I didn't question him when he didn't call and sometimes, although I would speak to him, I wouldn't see him on the weekends. That only lasted for a couple of months. Then we were seeing each other all the time, go …
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ASK DR. LEEDOM: What is dissociation?
A reader asked the following question this week: Recently, I've started doing more research into sociopaths and have run into a condition with which I'm unfamiliar: dissociation. Do you know if sociopaths/psychopaths have been considered to have this disorder, or if it is part of what makes them who they are? The term dissociation has two distinct meanings in psychology. These two uses of the same word do not necessarily reflect a similar process operating in each. The first kind of dissociation is a response to stress, and peritraumatic dissociation (dissociation during a traumatic event) appears to be a risk factor for stress-related illness. Symptoms of this kind of dissociation …
How Sociopaths Think
When reflecting on the sociopath's style, I often find myself thinking metaphorically. For instance, in an early LoveFraud article (Sociopaths' Cat and Mouse Game) I explored the mind of the sociopath via the metaphor of the cat toying with the mouse. In this article, I probe a different metaphor: the small child abusing the captured insect. But a caveat's in order: Just as I wasn't impugning cats as literally sociopathic in my earlier piece, I'm not suggesting here that all children, including bug torturers, are developing sociopaths (anymore than in my last LoveFraud article I was suggesting that all practical jokers are sociopaths). On the other hand, I am suggesting that there ar …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was still in love with the jerk
Editor's note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we'll call “Margie.” One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting. He actually said to me that night, "I think I like you better," like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to run, but I didn't! But stupid, naive me (never dealing with a sociopath before that is) fell for his goo …
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A Valentine to you: Yes, after the sociopath, you can love again
Not long ago, Lovefraud received the following note from a reader: Your articles have given me a lot of peace and the ability to see good in life again, though I'll never go back into the mainstream of society because of the abuse and betrayal I've experienced. It's sad that the vision and understanding one achieves after being victimized by a sociopath prevents you from ever being able to get close to anyone again. I'm working through that though, so I just take it one step at a time. Maybe you could write some more about that? Yes, dear readers, we do need to take recovery one step at a time. But know that we can go back to the mainstream of society. We can recover to the point of a …
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How does ODD relate to sociopathy?
This week a reader asked about a disorder called ODD and its relationship to sociopathy. ODD or oppositional defiant disorder is a childhood disorder. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatrists: In children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there is an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with the youngster's day to day functioning. Symptoms of ODD may include: • Frequent temper tantrums • Excessive arguing with adults • Often questioning rules • Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules • Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people • Blaming …
Tell the experts about your experience with a sociopath
Lovefraud invites you to complete a survey about your experience with a sociopath/psychopath/narcissist in order to help professionals diagnose this disorder properly. Two days ago, the American Psychiatric Association released a draft of the fifth edition its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5). This book is the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health and other professionals. The revision has been underway for a decade. A work group of 11 doctors and psychologists focused on the section about personality and personality disorders. They have recommended significant changes to the description of antisocial personality …
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A story. My story. Dancing in the arms of love.
She waited. Patient. Patiently. I'll wait for you forever, she told him. And so she waited. She waited and waited but still he never came. She called. Impatient. Impatiently. She called and she called and still he never answered. She searched. For him. For answers. For hope. And still her hands came up empty. I am your only hope, he'd told her. I am the one you've been waiting for. And so, she waited. In the dark. Through the dawn. Throughout the day. And still, he never came. He'd promised to come. Promised to bring her the keys to their new home. The money he owed. He promised to give back the dreams he'd killed. The trust he'd broken. The hopes he'd dashed. Today, he'd …
Stolen Valor v. First Amendment
The Stolen Valor Act declared war on military phonies. Signed into law in 2006, the federal law made it illegal for any unauthorized person to wear, manufacture, sell, barter or claim any military decoration or medal. Phonies are rampant. An organization called AuthentiSEALS, which worked to expose men who falsely claimed to be members of the elite SEAL teams, estimated that there were 300 impostors for each real SEAL. AuthentiSEALs disbanded in 2005 because its members were exhausted from checking out all the liars. We've certainly seen the phenomenon here at Lovefraud. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, was one of those who falsely claimed to be a Special Forces operative. He also …