How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Childhood trauma inflicted through narcissistic families continues into adulthood

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by Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS "These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them." —Rumi Let us say in the present moment you are a 45-year-old man or woman who experienced childhood trauma. You may have children you are raising and an array of responsibilities. Perhaps you have a university education or have been on a quest for self-improvement. On a less positive note, let us say that you are struggling emotionally. You know that there is something wrong with your spouse, but you doubt your gut instincts. You believe you are too hard on your spouse and are being overly judgmental. However, you understand that the spouse mistreats you often, but you never connected the word a …

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Signs of a sociopath: love bombing and refusing to pay

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we'll call, Christie20. After dating a narcissist for 7 years, I remained single after we broke up for three years. I decided it was time for me to date again. A doctor in northern California found me on my Instagram account. I am the type of person that gets a generous amount of messages from men, however I usually won't respond. For some reason, I read and responded to this man. Something about him had me intrigued. We decided to meet when he came to Orange County for a medical conference. He immediately started love bombing me. He spoke about how he was the greatest, smartest doctor in the E.R. He would …

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A story of classic sociopathic betrayal: ‘The most vile person I ever met’

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story of sociopathic betrayal from a reader who posts as "Mary2." I met him a year ago. He was charming, kind, and seemed so perfect. He told me he was separated and that his wife was living in another state. We did everything together. Then, one day, she returns. I asked why? He said to get more things. She was actually going back and forth between her mother’s residence and here. I continued to believe him. He met my girls, my mom, my sister, my co-workers. All thought he was wonderful. He told me his wife was crazy. When she kept returning he said she just had Dr appointments because she had cancer. I asked to see the separation p …

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To recover from the sociopath, first recognize the depth of your pain

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UPDATED FOR 2020 A Lovefraud reader who posts as "LadyA" sent Lovefraud the following email. At the end, I suggest how she can recover from the sociopath. I've spent a lot time thinking about my experience with my spath, and how it affected me and the people around me. I have read article after article, story after story. I now fully understand what spaths do and how they do it but I didn't understand why I don't feel any better about it. What was I missing? When I left my spath it was a fairly dramatic experience. He had just been sentenced to serve jail time on the weekends for an obstruction of justice charge. My mom flew into town and in one swoop we packed up everything we could …

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High school boyfriend pursues her, then abuses her

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we'll call, Carrie20. We met in high school, he was the cool new guy, the mysterious guy. We started hanging out, then we started sleeping together, I got pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion I didn't want to so we stopped talking. We were both seniors at this time so by the time I had our oldest we were already out of high school. Life went on, I and my daughter ended up moving 7 hours away, it was then he decided he wanted to be a family. I kept turning down his proposal for a few years until one day I thought, why not? We got married, had another daughter and moved back to our hometown. We took out a …

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Recovering from a sociopath by living your life

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UPDATED FOR 2020 You're in meltdown. You've come to the conclusion that you've been involved with a sociopath, and that everything this person told you was a lie, from the details of his or her life to the proclamations of undying love. Now it all makes sense. Now you understand how the unbelievable headiness of the whirlwind romance (love bombing) morphed into the silent treatment, unexplained absences and unprovoked rages (devalue and discard). You have discovered the truth: The person you fell in love with never existed. Everything you saw and experienced was an act designed to exploit you. You are crushed. Overwhelmed by disappointment and betrayal, the emotional pain is …

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Creepy vibe leads to discovery of ex-wives and criminal history

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we'll call Cathy20. Names are changed. I was 28 years old and widowed from my husband of 10 years. I met a man from NY via POF. He was 38. He told me he had a place, car and construction business in NY. He told me he had been widowed on 9/11, also from his long term gf of 8 years Stephanie, never married and she had 2 children, girls who he helped raise. He showed me tattoo memorials of them — Stephanie, Rachel and Allison. I had 4 small children and little support system but just found out I was to receive life insurance and social security. For 3 months it was bliss, other than I noticed he drank all-out. He t …

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How to find love after the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2020 A girl walks into a bar. A band was playing and the place was packed, so there were no empty bar stools. The girl had had a rough few years. First she married a man who turned out to be a con artist that took all her money. Then she dated a guy who wasn't a con artist, but broke her heart. A tall, nice-looking man leaned against the bar. He offered the girl a place to put her coat. Then he offered to buy the girl a drink. She accepted. They chatted. They danced. And they lived happily ever after. This story is true. The girl is me, and this happened on April 28, 2001, when I met Terry Kelly, the man who became my husband. Did I know on that day that I had …

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How narcissists use COVID-19 against their targets

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By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS "When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser"--Socrates It comes as no surprise to me that during this "crisis" of COVID-19, narcissists capitalize on the misfortune of others and use the quarantine to take their abuse and lack of respect to new heights. Divorced and separated individuals are especially susceptible to the narcissist’s pathological rage during a time like this. Let’s examine an example of a narcissist using the crisis as leverage. Rob’s ex-spouse wants 100% custody Rob has children under the age of 11. Rob has partial custody and had maintained this custody arrangement for years, but not without a fight. Rob is a hard …

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New! Best of the Lovefraud Blog Series

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Understanding the Sociopath explains, in plain language, the 12% of the population who do not play by the same rules of life as the rest of us. These master manipulators, who have antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorders, seem normal at first, but their objective is to use and exploit us. Seduced by a Sociopath explains how millions of people pursuing romantic relationships are charming, affectionate, passionate — and fake. These deceptive sociopaths pursue romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. Learn how they convince you to fall for them, so you can spot the charade and escape. Dealing with a Sociopath explains how to i …

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