How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Female psychopath turned into a snarling, spitting monster

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Editor's note: A Lovefraud reader, we'll call her Betty, sent her story. It's a tale of a run-in with a female psychopath who likes to destroy people for the fun of it. I got divorced and moved from Texas to California. I was 45 years old, and was hoping to transition from my career as an RN. I'd worked in the newborn nursery and the increasing numbers of drug dependent newborns were breaking my heart -- I was experiencing burnout. I tried physical rehabilitation for adults, but that too brought me in contact with awful suffering, and I didn't have enough to give my patients. I had a painful divorce and a painful career, and made the decision to pull myself together and start over. That's …

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How knowing the truth about sociopaths changes everything

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Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Louisa." She learned the truth about sociopaths the hard way. I was in a relationship with someone that constantly cheated, and cried and begged me back. Five years of thinking we were "working through problems," sharing every detail about myself, supporting him and bailing him out of his obligations while struggling with my own. It all ended a couple of weeks ago when I found out he was molesting my 10 year old daughter and her friend... I'm feeling devastated. Reading all I have and looking back I'm resentful to myself for staying and thinking it was my best friend and soul mate. I paid a price beyond what I ever …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Child of an undiagnosed sociopath

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Editor's note: A Lovefraud reader, we'll call him Allen, tells his story of being the child of an undiagnosed sociopath. I know the story starts way before my time with my dad, so I can only tell you what I saw growing up and what I now see in hindsight. I think the biggest thing that I see in him is that he takes no personal responsibility for anything. Somewhere in his late 20's he “found God” — whatever that really means to him — and it was right around the time that my mom finally left him because of physical abuse that he denies to this day. He says that he never laid a hand on her and then when I remind him that I was there that day and saw everything he still denies it. He claims …

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Understanding trauma, the brain on PTSD, and real options for recovery

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Book Review: The Body Keeps the Score — Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. Review by Donna Andersen Many, many Lovefraud readers say that after your experience with a sociopath, you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Even if you haven't been diagnosed by a professional, you're probably right. But what, exactly, does that mean? What happens to your brain on PTSD? And what can you do about it? All the answers are in this book. The Body Keeps the Score — Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma, is the best explanation I've ever seen on the causes, effects and treatment of trauma. I strongly recommend that every mental health pro …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: It did not feel right, but I dismissed my discomfort

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  Editor's note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as "Greenfern." It is a classic story of sociopathic seduction. When I first met the S, I was very young, 22, and in a pretty bad spot. I come from a broken, abusive family and I have been pretty much on my own since 16. I was managing by putting myself through college, working full time, step by step. A year before I met the S, I was hit by a car and the recovery from that sent me into a depression and hardship. I had no family support or insurance, so I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and tried not falling behind. I felt alone and struggling, but managed. I feel like I was a strong young …

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Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you

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UPDATED FOR 2023. I was standing in line, horrified at how a man in front of me was treating his two little girls. The girls looked to be about two and four years old. One of them was in a stroller. He yelled at the older girl — I don't know why. When she started crying, he yelled at her again, threatening to hit her if she didn't stop crying. No matter what the kids did — dropped a blanket on the floor, touched the stanchion rope — the guy yelled. If this father was treating his kids this way in public — what in the world was he doing at home? Make no mistake — the guy was engaging in child abuse, and the kids will likely suffer from it for the rest of their lives. I'm not exa …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Pulled in by the child in the sociopath

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By PressEject It seems so odd. I wasn't exactly in love with this person! But I was entirely caught up in his breath, his every sentence, his needs and desires. He charmed me into thinking it was so much more that we shared. I sensed early on he was not exactly mature in conducting a one-on-one relationship. But I assumed I could help guide him and show him how to trust and become closer. He came across as unique, at times humble and often very sweet to be with. I heard his "story" and understood how difficult it had been for him trying to feel close to others and I was honored he felt he could be close to me. The story, a true "pity ploy," pulled me in. But I didn't think twice. …

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Is there any way to successfully deliver a warning message that the new conquest will actually hear?

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as "FreedomWithNoRing," who asks about delivering a warning message to the sociopath's newest target. Donna Andersen responds below. I am so thankful for your website. There is so much valuable information there to help with understanding how and why one could get locked in and stay with a sociopath. I was married to an abusive sociopath for 25 years (I met him when I was 12 years old) and finally found the courage to leave 4 years ago. Divorcing and trying to co-parent with a sociopath is a complete nightmare. My ex was with another woman for 2 years. Eventually they bought a house …

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How psychopathic parents create complex trauma in their children

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By Dr. Kathy Ahern An earthquake strikes in the middle of the night. A four-year-old child is trapped in a demolished house. She is left without food or water, help or support for three terrifying days. In a different city another child the same age is neglected by her self-absorbed parents. They ignore her cries of hunger and fear for three days. Years later, the earthquake victim suffers no ill effects from her experience. The child who was physically and emotionally abandoned grows into an adult suffering from complex PTSD. The physical and emotional traumas were identical. So why the difference? Betrayal. The neglected child was dependent on her parents. She needed them. She …

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With sociopaths, words and actions can both be lies

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as "new_day." She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies. I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, "Words may lie but actions always tell the truth." The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!! Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud. Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the …

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