By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.ED, CCBT, BC If you have had the misfortune of dealing with a sociopath in your life, you are well acquainted with many of their abuse strategies that left you feeling you are like a deer in the headlights, taken by surprise and knocked off your feet. However, there are times when sociopaths do not come straight at you on their own, but employ third parties to carry out their control tactics to ensure you are complying with their demands on a continual basis. This is called abuse by proxy. Why does the sociopath employ third parties? There may be several reasons why the sociopath doesn't use direct tactics with you. You may have inflicted narcissistic …
BOOK REVIEW: ‘The Batterer’ describes three types of male abusers
Editor's note: Lovefraud recognizes that sociopaths are both male and female. This article, however, is about male sociopaths. Updated for 2019 Often, the stories told here on Lovefraud about abusive relationships have so much in common that readers jokingly ask each other if they were involved with the same man. Still, there can be profound differences in the stories. For example, quite a few people have said that the men who abused them sometimes exhibited great shame. I was always mystified by this, because I never saw an ounce of shame in my psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. I assumed that those who were exhibiting shame were playacting. Maybe they weren't. A few …
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3 vital concepts about sociopaths that are key to our survival
Two Lovefraud readers recently sent in articles explaining their views regarding their experiences with sociopaths. Their opinions are almost completely opposite from each other. In The importance of recognizing the complexities of sociopath relationships, the reader “Andrea19” suggests a nuanced way of looking at our experiences with sociopaths. Yes, her ex-husband is manipulative and deceptive, she writes, but she acknowledges that she has her own mental health issues that contributed to the dysfunctional relationship. The Lovefraud reader “Lanie19” takes a different view. In her article, I lived among sociopathic monsters all of my life, she comes out and says, “They are all monsters.” H …
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7 Classic lies from sociopaths and how to spot them
Sociopaths lie. No matter what type of relationship you have with a sociopath — romantic, family, business or casual — sooner or later the sociopath will lie to you. The circumstances may vary, the scale of the lie may vary, but at some point the sociopath will tell you something that simply isn't true. Following are seven classic lies from sociopaths (people who could be diagnosed with antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic personality disorders). How many have you heard? I love you Sociopaths are incapable of love, as you and I understand it. Real love includes caregiving, and sociopaths simply cannot put someone else's well being before their own. How …
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Gender identity: fun and games for psychopaths
One of the issues raging through the political landscape these days, stirring up passions on the left and the right, is the Equality Act, passed by the United States House of Representatives on May 17, 2019. Proponents of the law generally say that everyone should be treated the same, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Objections to provisions of the law are often based on opponents' views on biology or religious convictions. But this law should also be evaluated in the context of the millions of psychopaths living among us, who I believe will have a great time exploiting it. And that's what Lovefraud's research — highlighted below — indicates. What the Equality Act s …
What do narcissists want?
At first, narcissists are charming and attentive, but eventually they turn cold and cruel. Many people are totally baffled by the behavior, and come to suspect they’re dealing with a narcissist. They turn to the Internet and ask variations of the question, what do narcissists want? Here are 20 of those questions — with the answers. 1 . What do narcissists want? Narcissists want what is called "narcissistic supply." In her Lovefraud webinar called, Understanding and Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse, Tiffany Kettermann, LPC, CADCI, explains that narcissistic supply is, "Anything or anyone that feeds the narcissistic person's ego and keeps the person artificially pumped up, protecting their fra …
3 Tips for polite conversation about relationship abuse
I recently attended a small party — about 15 people — at a friend's home. I got into a conversation with two women, neither of whom I knew before. They both revealed that, like me, they had endured relationship abuse. We started swapping stories. The first woman worked hard all her life, built a successful career, and then married the guy who, over about seven years, took advantage of her assets. She described his lies, mostly about money, as "gaslighting." The second woman had three children with a man who turned out to be a controller, moving her away from family and friends. She spent 20 years trying to shield the children from his destructive ways, then finally divorced him. I wa …
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Why sociopaths can’t love
One winter, my husband, Terry Kelly, and I traded colds. I got sick first, and Terry made chicken soup and did what he could to make me feel comfortable. Then, despite my best efforts to keep my germs to myself, Terry got sick. By this time I was feeling better. So I went to the store and bought cold medicine, tissues and orange juice, because I'd used everything up. I made him chicken soup. I even made him a pot of chili. As I did all this, I noticed a warm feeling within me. It was the joy of taking care of someone I loved. I was concerned about his health and wellbeing. I was happy and energized to help him. It was a feeling sociopaths never experience, because sociopaths …
Does my psychopath miss me?
Editor's note: The following article refers to male psychopaths. Women can also be sociopaths, psychopaths and other disordered individuals. Does my sociopath/psychopath miss me? The short answer is “no.” The qualified answer is “yes, in appearance, but only as long as you can afford him.” Since psychopaths are unable to have true feelings, once you are removed from his picture, you are gone forever. Somebody else with financial security will replace you, and then when the money is gone or things go sour, somebody else will replace that person. Psychopaths, we know, are not able to feel gratitude, love, loyalty or any kind of guilt or remorse that could tie him to you. During the …
Useless advice on how to spot a lie
The Daily Mail just published a silly article in which a psychologist explains how to tell when someone is lying. The behavioral psychologist, Jo Hemmings, dispenses all of the usual and useless advice about watching for microexpressions, lack of eye contact, convoluted explanations and changes in behavior. Okay, so the advice might work for spotting a normal person who is uncomfortable with lying. It will never work for spotting a sociopath who lies like he or she breathes. In fact, the article is accompanied by a sidebar in which new research published by Edinburgh University finds that it is hard to spot a liar. Why? Because liars may intentionally suppress the tell-tale signs of …