Explaining the sociopath

Editor's note: Lovefraud recognizes that sociopaths are both male and female. This article, however, is about male sociopaths. Updated for 2019 Often, the stories told here on Lovefraud about abusive relationships have so much in common that readers jokingly ask each other if they were involved with the same man. Still, there can be profound differences in the stories. For example, quite a few people have said that the men who abused them sometimes exhibited great shame. I was always mystified by this, because I never saw an ounce of shame in my psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. I assumed that those who were exhibiting shame were playacting. Maybe they weren't. A few …

BOOK REVIEW: ‘The Batterer’ describes three types of male abusersRead More

Two Lovefraud readers recently sent in articles explaining their views regarding their experiences with sociopaths. Their opinions are almost completely opposite from each other. In The importance of recognizing the complexities of sociopath relationships, the reader “Andrea19” suggests a nuanced way of looking at our experiences with sociopaths. Yes, her ex-husband is manipulative and deceptive, she writes, but she acknowledges that she has her own mental health issues that contributed to the dysfunctional relationship. The Lovefraud reader “Lanie19” takes a different view. In her article, I lived among sociopathic monsters all of my life, she comes out and says, “They are all monsters.” H …

3 vital concepts about sociopaths that are key to our survivalRead More

At first, narcissists are charming and attentive, but eventually they turn cold and cruel. Many people are totally baffled by the behavior, and come to suspect they’re dealing with a narcissist. They turn to the Internet and ask variations of the question, what do narcissists want? Here are 20 of those questions — with the answers. 1 . What do narcissists want? Narcissists want what is called "narcissistic supply." In her Lovefraud webinar called, Understanding and Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse, Tiffany Kettermann, LPC, CADCI, explains that narcissistic supply is, "Anything or anyone that feeds the narcissistic person's ego and keeps the person artificially pumped up, protecting their fra …

What do narcissists want?Read More

I recently attended a small party — about 15 people — at a friend's home. I got into a conversation with two women, neither of whom I knew before. They both revealed that, like me, they had endured relationship abuse. We started swapping stories. The first woman worked hard all her life, built a successful career, and then married the guy who, over about seven years, took advantage of her assets. She described his lies, mostly about money, as "gaslighting." The second woman had three children with a man who turned out to be a controller, moving her away from family and friends. She spent 20 years trying to shield the children from his destructive ways, then finally divorced him. I wa …

3 Tips for polite conversation about relationship abuseRead More

One winter, my husband, Terry Kelly, and I traded colds. I got sick first, and Terry made chicken soup and did what he could to make me feel comfortable. Then, despite my best efforts to keep my germs to myself, Terry got sick. By this time I was feeling better. So I went to the store and bought cold medicine, tissues and orange juice, because I'd used everything up. I made him chicken soup. I even made him a pot of chili. As I did all this, I noticed a warm feeling within me. It was the joy of taking care of someone I loved. I was concerned about his health and wellbeing. I was happy and energized to help him. It was a feeling sociopaths never experience, because sociopaths …

Why sociopaths can’t loveRead More

The Daily Mail just published a silly article in which a psychologist explains how to tell when someone is lying. The behavioral psychologist, Jo Hemmings, dispenses all of the usual and useless advice about watching for microexpressions, lack of eye contact, convoluted explanations and changes in behavior. Okay, so the advice might work for spotting a normal person who is uncomfortable with lying. It will never work for spotting a sociopath who lies like he or she breathes. In fact, the article is accompanied by a sidebar in which new research published by Edinburgh University finds that it is hard to spot a liar. Why? Because liars may intentionally suppress the tell-tale signs of …

Useless advice on how to spot a lieRead More