In the past few articles — and I hope this hasn't been confusing — I have tried to describe how we can help heal the damage to our self-esteem and recover our lost selves, while we are still with the sociopath or after we've left the sociopath. The most important thing is mindfulness; the awareness of what's going on in your body and mind in the presence of the sociopath. We get triggered and react emotionally to their manipulation, blame, abuse and dismissive behavior. In fact our brains and nervous systems get what is called “hijacked” by the emotional reaction, and our rational thinking is not available to us. The reaction makes us believe what we feel — e.g. we are wrong, we are lacking, …
EFT Tapping helps you deal with the trauma of sociopaths
I first learned about the concept of energy psychology a year or two ago. Here's the basic premise of energy psychology, according to David Feinstein, author of The Promise of Energy Psychology: Stimulating energy points on the skin, paired with specified mental activities, can instantly shift your brain's electrochemistry to: help overcome unwanted emotions such as fear, guilt, shame, jealousy, or anger, help change unwanted habits and behavior, and enhance your abilities to love, succeed, and enjoy life. The basic technique of energy psychology, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), is tapping. By tapping the endpoints of certain meridians in the body, while focusing on an …
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How do I forgive myself for staying in this relationship?
Lovefraud recently received the following email: I suspected that my ex boyfriend was a sociopath, but your website confirmed it. I always thought that sociopaths were murderers like Ted Bundy or Casey Anthony, but I realize now that the vast majority lead "normal" lives (whatever that means). I'm a divorced mom with a precious little daughter. My ex boyfriend was the first man I dated after a long and abusive marriage to an alcoholic. I was with my ex boyfriend a little over 2 years, although he exhibited signs of sociopathic (or what I considered narcissistic) behavior, including chronic infidelity, pathological lying, a grandiose sense of self, a total lack of empathy (particularly …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Still lying after all these years
Editor's note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader whom we'll call “Ella Mae.” I wish I would have read the signs early on and went with my gut 6 years ago. My story is this. We have been in a relationship for six years. Two of those six years we were married. We decided we would get married because I got pregnant. I thought that he would change and we would live happily ever after-- but that wasn't the case. When we were dating there were many red flags but I chose to ignore them. Every time he was caught in a lie, he would have an explanation. Me being naive, I thought how can someone possibly make a lie for everything. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and bel …
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Psychopaths pushing our buttons
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Most of you know I have spent a good portion of my life training animals of various kinds dogs for obedience and to work livestock, horses, donkeys and cattle (oxen). When we train animals, we “condition” them to do X and they receive Y reward. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian physiologist, conditioned dogs to expect to be fed by ringing a bell every time they got fed. Eventually when a bell was rung, even though there was no food in sight, the animals expected to be fed, and their bodies reacted by making them “slobber” at the mouth, just as they would if food were present. B.F. Skinner, and American psychologist, observed that animals who had intermittent re …
Grounding techniques to recover from a sociopath
Once you become aware of your emotional reactions to the sociopath through mindfulness [see previous article, Leaving the Sociopath: Gathering Strength and Losing Fear], it gives you more detachment from them. Instead of being immersed in a negative state (e.g. a state of panic created by your partner having a hostile behavior toward you, or perhaps your partner not coming home when they're supposed to), you also become -- in however slight a way -- an observer of it. This will help you feel more of a sense of control over your emotion. Trying to get the sociopath to understand your hurt, loneliness, etc, or meet one of your needs, is an exercise in futility. Now that you have more …
Emotional versus sentimental in dealing with psychopaths
By Joyce Alexander RNP (retired) Back when I was a teenager, I had an opportunity to travel to Africa, where I met a man who was to become world famous, and was almost single handedly responsible for the saving of both the black and white rhinos, Dr. Ian Player (the brother of golfer Gary Player.) Recently, the belief of rhino horn as a “cure all” has gotten to where the price for a single horn can top $400,000. This has caused the poaching of these wonderful animals, which still number less than 5,000 black rhinos and about 21,000 white rhinos, most of them located in South Africa. I feel very privileged to have known Dr. Player when he was simply “Ian” in a pair of green parks departm …
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Forgiveness
If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone's timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Solutions to our pain
Editor's note: The following article is by the Lovefraud reader NewLife43. RE: The Love Fraud article Back in Control of the Panic Buttons by “Adelade,” posted January 13, 2013. This article rang so true for me. In fact, this one triggered the most physical reaction that I've had in a long time. Not just crying, I was literally feeling panic and upset in my gut, my chest, my shoulders. I was such a mess I felt myself losing my grip on reality! So much of what she wrote about the money situations and the birthday/holiday things in her life rang like the loud bongs of church bells inside my head. The noise was deafening! It brought back all those feelings of "being pushed and rushed in …
Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide: Mary Ann Glynn
First in a series of Q&A articles with members of the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide. Mary Ann Glynn is a licensed clinical social worker based in Bernardsville, New Jersey. Q. What experience have you had dealing with sociopaths or other disordered personalities—personally, professionally, or both? A. In my professional experience, sociopaths and disordered personalities are usually brought into therapy by a significant other, or by the court system for domestic violence or other charges. Since they are incapable of insight or empathy, they may engage initially in therapy to get validation or support, blame their partner, and/or show what they are willing to do for the r …
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