How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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With sociopaths, words and actions can both be lies

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as "new_day." She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies. I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, "Words may lie but actions always tell the truth." The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!! Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud. Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the …

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The narcissist and the ‘Drama Triangle’

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by Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS The “Drama Triangle,” also known as the “Victim Triangle,” is a social model of human interaction developed by a psychologist named Stephen Carpman in 1968. It is a power game where individuals consciously or unconsciously choose the role of Persecutor, Rescuer, or Victim, depending on the context of the situation. I came across this model while conducting research on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method that mental health clinicians like me often use to assist their clients. It’s a process of logically challenging the validity of their thoughts by putting them “on trial.” The Drama Triangle is closely related to psuedomutuality, which describes …

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What happens to your brain with PTSD, and a promising technique to fix it

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Many, many people involved with sociopaths end up with post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of PTSD include: Flashbacks Bad dreams Frightening thoughts Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the traumatic experience Feeling emotionally numb Feeling strong guilt, depression or worry Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past Having trouble remembering the dangerous event Being easily startled Feeling tense or "on edge" Having difficulty sleeping Having angry outbursts Negative thoughts about oneself or the world …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Listen to the gift of fear

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor's note: The following story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader who learned the hard way that she should pay attention to the Gift of Fear.  There was something odd about his intense gaze. Even though I felt funny about the way he stared at me the first time we met, I ignored my discomfort. I met my former boyfriend after I had been attending services at a Unitarian Universalist Church for several weeks. We engaged in small talk for a few minutes then swapped numbers. Even though I felt somewhat uncomfortable, I ignored my gut feeling and gave him my number anyway. I was very needy and desperate for friendship. We went out to lunch after the services. Even …

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Classic sociopathic control strategy: Accusing you of cheating

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UPDATED FOR 2023. I was sitting at my kitchen table one day during my marriage to the sociopath, James Montgomery. We were arguing — I don't remember what about; we argued a lot. All of a sudden, Montgomery accused me of sleeping with another man. I was shocked. I had been friends with the man for about 15 years before I even met Montgomery. We were good friends. But that's all — friends. Still, Montgomery raged at me, "I know you had sex with him." I denied this, vociferously. Montgomery kept accusing — but eventually backed down. The accusation came out of thin air. I hadn't even seen my friend in months. So why did Montgomery do this? Sociopaths assume everyone cheats First o …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My ex-wife, the sociopath

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Editor's note: The following letter was sent by a Lovefraud reader about his ex-wife, a sociopath. I believe my soon to be ex-wife is a sociopath (Sp). I was the recent victim of an evil plot to move my family to Washington from Texas, but two and a half months before the big move, with my house sold, I caught her, the Sp, in Washington with another guy looking for property, through a series of intercepted emails. This was one of two trips the Sp had taken, lying about the trip, saying she was going on a job interview. After I confronted her about the infidelity, I filed for divorce and took it upon myself to avoid any further confrontation with the Sp. I vacated the house and set up a …

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The top 5 brazen lies your psychopathic partner tells you

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UPDATED FOR 2023. When you become romantically involved with a psychopath, he or she will be lying to you from the very beginning or your involvement, although you won't realize it right away. Eventually, you may start catching inconsistencies, like he said he was here, and now he's saying he was there. Or she said she did this, and now she says she did that. You'll shrug your shoulders, assuming that you misunderstood. Or, you'll ask for clarification — which your partner will answer with more lies, although you won't realize that either. So you may recognize that your partner exaggerates, or likes to spin stories, or even offers contradictory explanations. But you probably won't s …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Psychopathic boss —pure malignant evil

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Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a reader to Lovefraud about his psychopathic boss. It is published with the permission of the author. I was foolish enough to work as a commission salesperson for a psychopath business owner. One difficult lesson I learned was that once a psychopathic boss has your pay — watch out! Especially for commission sales. Since they just might — just want — to keep your money for themselves. Or milk out the deal. Then show you who's boss. This particular psychopath hooked me by holding onto my pay. Claiming cash-flow problems. Then he said I had to keep working for him. Or else he would keep my back-pay for himself. Then finally... he paid me a …

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Why betrayal by a sociopath hurts so much

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This post refers to spiritual concepts. Please see Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. UPDATED FOR 2023. If you're like most Lovefraud readers, you may find it difficult to put into words the depth of the pain romantic betrayal causes. Discovering that your romantic partner, the person who claimed to be your soul mate, proclaimed unending love and promised a future of golden togetherness, was lying all along and totally deceived you, causes indescribable agony. Sandra Lee Dennis, Ph.D., has put your suffering into words. I read her book, Love and the Mystery of Betrayal — Recovering your trust and faith after trauma, deception and loss of love. It is the best description I' …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Sociopaths can fool anyone

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Editor's note: Sociopaths can fool anyone — even former fraud investigators. Here's what a Lovefraud reader says about his experience. I am a banking attorney, now in the private sector, but formerly conducting criminal bank fraud investigations when I worked for the government. A friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says I am one of the few people he's ever met who can size up a person accurately within 10 seconds. However, I am here to tell you from an experience I've been going through the last week or so that no matter how intuitive or streetsmart a person is, sociopaths can fool anyone. They are a breed unto themselves. I am a gay man and was introduced to my sociopath back in F …

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