Well where do I start? I guess right from the beginning. 1999 I was 31 when I met the most handsome charming man in the world, I had travelled well, I used to be a holiday rep abroad, so I thought I was a pretty good judge of character…….. I met him on a night out with friends, on a Saturday Night, we talked all night long, I even went back to his place (no funny business) and we talked all night there too!! We arranged out 1st date the following Mon, what a great night we had, he even told people that we were on our honeymoon, such a laugh as is was our very 1st date!! Things progressed very very quickly we met in June, engaged by Sept and living together by October, and it wa …
Explaining love addiction with a sociopath
According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain's reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can't get what you want.So what happens when you fall in love …
After the sociopath, a man with borderline personality disorder
Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following email from reader Victimcindy. Donna Andersen responds after the letter. My first relationship, after my 18-year marriage to a sociopath, was to a borderline personality disordered (BPD) man. Do you find this common as the disordered traits are opposite in some areas? We think we are getting something new and healthy. Spath vs BPD: sex My spath-ex withheld sex as power. The borderline was highly sexual. My spath-ex was charming, but lacked empathy and was emotionally unavailable. He also abused substances, was opportunistic with casual sex outside marriage and secretive. Spath vs BPD: love The borderline was vulnerable, overly e …
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Cognitive dissonance: Vicky Cilliers can’t accept that her husband tried to kill her by tampering with her parachute
Emile Cilliers, a British army sergeant, was convicted last week of attempting to kill his wife, Vicky. The two were avid skydivers, and in April 2015, he tampered with her parachute before a jump. She fell 4,000 feet, but miraculously survived. Earlier in the week, Emile Cilliers damaged gas fittings in their home. If the gas had exploded, it would have killed Vicky and their two children. But even though the court found him guilty, Vicky Cilliers can't believe her husband was capable of murder. Read this story: 'I still can't believe he tried to murder me': Tearful wife of Lothario army sergeant refuses to accept his conviction for cutting her parachute, says she has NO plans …
Sometimes “no contact” is not an option
For more than two years, I’ve shared my story and relevant insights here once a week. That’s coming to a close. My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles my marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. I hope the excertps I've shared from them have been helpful. I didn't know. Before I married “Paul” (not his real name), I never imagined my life could be so derailed and that my soul could be turned to dust. I didn’t know sociopaths are common, often hiding in plain sight. I didn’t know that they feed off of the thrill of manipulation (which …
Are you changing in ways you don’t like? Maybe your partner’s a sociopath
Sociopaths are fueled by our reactions to them—so sociopaths trigger our emotions. What are the signs this is happening? Looking back on my unwitting marriage to a man I now believe is a sociopath, I realize that some of the warning signs that I was in a relationship with a sociopath were changes in my own behavior. My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles that marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. It took me way too long to understand this, but since sociopaths are fueled by our emotional reactions to them, they trigger our emotions on pur …
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Find yourself explaining common courtesy and common use of language? Maybe he’s a sociopath!
Confusion over common courtesy, typical use of language, and purposeful misrepresentations If you find yourself in conversations that come down to common courtesy, common understanding of language, or purposeful misrepresentations (especially if the language used creates a misunderstanding but is not an outright lie), get out, and get out fast. Sociopaths are masters of: doublespeak word salad playing games with semantics planting distracting misinterpretations of events purposefully misleading. The result is that you get tied up in knots just trying to agree upon the basic facts or “normal” human behavior. This is a warning sign! Most people want to communicate effe …
Signs of a sociopath: Double standards
Signs of a sociopath: Double standards (continued) After a sociopath has won you over , things start to change that erode "you" and shift the power to the sociopath. Looking back on my horrible, unwitting marriage to a man I have come to believe is a sociopath, one of the things that emerged was double standards. At first, our relationship seeming loving and mutually respectful, but over time, things changed drastically. Eventually, he expecting me to honor all commitments to him even when circumstances had changed significantly, but he felt free not to honor his commitments to me. Sociopaths may even try to put you in their debt purposely by accusing you of reneging on promises a …
Contempt and double standards = sociopath red flags
Subtle signs of a sociopath Last week, I was on a long walk when I passed an older couple walking on the sidewalk in the opposite direction. I nodded as we passed, and I honestly don’t recall receiving any acknowledgement. They clearly seemed “together,” yet the way they were walking signaled something was very wrong. Briefly, I had a sense of knowing. “I bet he’s a sociopath," I thought. You see, although they were on a walk “together” he was walking about ten feet in front of her, and had been ever since I spotted them walking toward me. That simple act communicates a lot—none of it good, as it signals an underlying lack of respect. Why are so few of us warned about sociopaths? …
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Gaslight–how the movie mirrors real life
Gaslight Last weekend I watched the classic movie, Gaslight. For those of us who have been in a relationship with a sociopath, it is a great reminder that we weren’t imagining things and how good these puppeteers are at what they do. We were not paranoid, or too sensitive, or unable to take a joke, or fill in the blank. We were being purposely manipulated and deceived by someone who never loved us, has no ethical rudder; and, at our expense, was using us for their personal gain. To weaken us in order to achieve those goals, the sociopath has many tools that go beyond gaslighting—making us question our own reality. Ironically, the flickering of gas lights that Paula obs …