How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: ‘O like Umbrella,’ and the shut down mechanism

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it's called.Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We w …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Things people say

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here's more of her experience about "things people say."I'll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: "You're paranoid." I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they're the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, "Trust your instinct." He told the audience to take women seriously when they have the …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I did not choose this guy

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed "resources" I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to "get it" little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.The comment goes like this: "Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy." It is a …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trying to expose the sociopath made matters worse for me

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we'll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we'll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.We were off and on …

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Shocked by the lies, even though I lived them

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Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Laura24. She was shocked by the lies her boyfriend told her over their years together, even though she lived them.I spent 12 years in a relationship with a sociopath. In the 10 years that we lived together, he had convinced me he owned his own business, had a bachelor’s degree, and that he was financially stable.Stunning revelationsSome of the revelations that still shock me today even though I lived it:As far as I'm aware, I'm the only person he had ever dated other than the 18-year-old girl he was sleeping with. I'm not sure how much she knows about him.Learn more: Maybe you're not codependent — you're traum …

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Running for my life

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Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call Charlotte24. She is so terrorized by the sociopath that she says she is “running for my life.”I am about to lose my freedom. He has destroyed my life and is still trying. I have received 4 CDVs (criminal domestic violence charges) in one year. He has so many other prior charges — assaults on females — and CDVs, including one assault charge with me, because he cut my clothes off me and left me on side of road 3 hours away from home and never came back to get me. He has come and hunt me down and he would be crying and begging for me to go back knowing that I have a no contact order with him. I would be dumb …

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Mental, physical, and emotional abuse in my marriage

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Editor's note: This Lovefraud reader, whom we’ll all “Marily24,” describes the mental, physical and emotional abuse in her marriage to a sociopath.I experienced mental, physical, and emotional abuse in my marriage. I thought he was made in heaven for me but found out he was the devil all along. I did see a red flag right away in the beginning. But I dismissed it because I didn't know quite how to take it. He had called me one night in the middle of the night. All drunk and wanted to see me supposedly. I had to work the next morning— I managed a hotel. So I got out of bed and got dressed, and then tried to call him to find out where he was at. Some hotel with this family. This is wha …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was still in love with the jerk

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: This story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who we'll call “Margie.” She was still in love with the jerk she met — even after learning he was a criminal.One night I went to a bar by myself (but always knew someone there). I sat at the bar next to this lady I knew and started talking to her. Well Steve (my ex-sociopath—not his real name) was sitting next to her talking to her. I thought he was kind of cute so started flirting.  He actually said to me that night, "I think I like you better," like he had his sights on my friend first. He bought me a flower and all my drinks the rest of the night. Well that should have been my first and only red flag to …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Tips for co-parenting with a sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call “Penny.” She's been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She's provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.1. Stay strong in God! I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation t …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we'll call “Trista.” She tells her story of being dismissed with a shrug.I met the man who has been my husband for 30 years in a language school. He was serious, but could be funny, a bit shy, but also had a way with words. He had beautiful eyes and lots of girls were in love with him. I was no exception, but it was me he chose to go out with.The relationship soon took off and we were a pair. Those first days were good; I had no idea I was dealing with a sociopath. When I took him to meet my mother, however, when things were very serious between us, she said that she thought he needed some “help.” I dismissed it.I did real …

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