How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This was all about him and all about what he needed

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we'll call “Kay.” Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil ”¦   He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right. My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly "making sure" I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this …

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Coming soon: Love Fraud, the book!

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On and off for the past four years, I've been mentioning my upcoming book about my experience with a sociopath, James Montgomery, and my recovery from the ordeal. Well, the book, Love Fraud—How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is at the printer, and will be available in about a month. In writing the book, I had five goals: Drawing attention to the problem of sociopaths. Showing how sociopaths weave their web of lies to trap people. Exposing the impotence of social institutions in dealing with these predators. Explaining why, from a spiritual perspective, we fall into these relationships. Offering hope that we can, even after these devastating encounters, r …

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Murderous partners

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I'm going to address a disturbing subject: the motives, the thinking, of men who eliminate—yes, who murder—their partners. But first a caveat: Females also sometimes eliminate their partners and share, I suspect, similar mindsets and motives with male murderous eliminators.  And so what I write, here, applies, I suspect, across gender lines. One other caveat—when I use the term “eliminate,” as you might suspect, I'm excluding killings in self-defense, of passion, and as responses to insufferable abuse.  This will be apparent as the discussion unfolds. Last, by “eliminate,” I refer to two possible means of disposing of a partner—by one's own hands, or by outsourcing the job. So …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Lost and really need help

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. My head is so full that I don't really know where to start. I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn't know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn't know to trust it. My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn't he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man ”¦ this love of my life ”¦ how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to …

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The high cost of locking up sex offenders

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Twenty states have "civil commitment" laws to keep dangerous sex offenders off the street after their jail sentences are complete. This year, the programs will cost a total of more than $500 million—five times the cost of regular incarceration. Why? Because of all the behavioral therapists, social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists who are treating the predators. In Lovefraud's view, this cost could easily be reduced, because many of the sex offenders are psychopaths, and psychopaths can't be rehabilitated. So the solution is to help those who can be helped, and throw the rest in jail. Read: Treatment for a sexual predator costs a whopping $175,000 per person per year in New Y …

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What if he says he’ll get help?

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Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call “Callista.” I'll have some comments at the end. This is yet ANOTHER email from a woman who realized she had been with a sociopath. In my case, it's been for 8 years. He fits the bill on all counts, except that while his finances are always a mess, he met me when I was coming out of a divorce and mine were a mess too. So he didn't see me as a "mark" he could use and swindle. He is now paying me support and believe it or not he was not only impeccable about paying it to his ex-wife, he is also impeccable about paying me. This confuses me because he lacks the trait of screwing EVERYONE. Don't get me wrong, there i …

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From Reality Show Central: Desperate Meth-lab Operators of Some Special County

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Editor's note: Here is the first of the satirical pieces by the Front Porch Talker. For background, see "My life with a sociopath," posted yesterday. The name of the county has been changed. By The Front Porch Talker  (A.K.A. Professor Smarty-pants) Well, I guess you have to use that word: desperate.  After all, this is a Reality Show, right?  And, I am a ”˜desperate Meth-lab operator' who is from Some Special County, Washington. We are filming on-location from inside of my Meth-lab trailer, which is actually a double-wide—there's a difference.  In my double-wide is where I actually operate my Meth-lab business. And, for all intents and purposes, I am an operator. It is all authentic an …

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My life with a sociopath

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Editor's note: A Lovefraud reader who calls herself "The Front Porch Talker" is sorting through her devastating experience with a sociopath through her creative writing. Following is her introduction. Tomorrow, Lovefraud will publish one of the satirical pieces she has written based on her experiences. Part One: My Life with a Sociopath By The Front Porch Talker The Sociopaths in my life:  “MP,” "DI" (both women), and "JP," (a man) PART ONE:  (I can only imagine telling this story in small parts. I hope that works for you). I have tried to see this whole picture of what happened to me from a psychological standpoint. Then, I tried to see it on a philosophical level.  But in th …

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What is on that computer? Ask Scout

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If you're looking for evidence about what your spouse is really doing on his or her computer—evidence that you can use in court—look into the Scout. The Scout is a device and service offered by Catch-A-Cheater.net. It was invented by Rob Moody, a forensic data specialist with 15 years of experience finding information on hard drives for corporate, government and law firm clients. What kind of information can a computer forensic examination find? Here are some examples from Moody's case files: • Trip with the mistress: A guy used a travel agent to book and pay for a trip for himself and another person, who was not his wife. The trip was confirmed via text. He thought the text was dele …

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Love Fraud is a new classic on sociopathy

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By Steve Becker, LCSW Steve Becker, LCSW, profile on the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide. In Love Fraud: How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, Donna Andersen has written the most compelling nonfiction account of a relationship with a sociopath I've ever come across. In her Introduction, Andersen is careful to assert as “opinion,” rather than fact, that her ex-husband, James Montgomery—her central, but by no means only—subject in the book, is a sociopath. From my careful reading of Love Fraud, I'd suggest no such qualification is needed: Montgomery seems to me to embody the classic sociopath perfectly. This book is many things: it is, first of all, a flat-out “pag …

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