How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: When The Player becomes The Played

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following story from a woman who we'll call Lorraine. She is 51 years old and lives in Australia. The name of the man she was involved with has been changed.I became involved with David, 49, after joining up to the dating site in September last year when I was emotionally down after a divorce and being on my own for awhile. I have heard both good and bad stories about online romances and was fully aware of women being ripped off financially. Well that was never going to happen to me, for I am too smart for that. But quite clearly not too smart for being taken emotionally.Within days of placing my profile complete with photo of myself I had received lots …

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Psychopaths as puppet masters

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UPDATED FOR 2023. You and I feel personal satisfaction through accomplishment, or warm human relationships, or being of service to others.Psychopaths feel personal satisfaction through pulling the so-called strings and making people jump.They do something that they know will upset you just to see you cry. They trap you into no-win situations to watch you squirm. They devalue and discard you, so they can watch you fall apart.Why do they do this?Social motivationsThe answer lies at the heart of the personality disorder. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, psychopaths have an out-of-control power motivation.Researchers have identified four social motivations. These are basic motivations that people, …

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If a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?

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UPDATED FOR 2003. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Alana." She asks what it means when a sociopath cries.Thank you for this wonderful site. Unless you have been through it, no one can understand the insanity of a Narcissist/psychopath.There are three things that I have noticed about my Narcissist.Donna Andersen respondsBefore I address Alana's questions, I want to lay some groundwork.We all know that there is an infinite variety of people in the world. People all have different traits, behaviors, virtues, faults, habits, strengths, weaknesses, passions and fears.This applies to disordered people as well. Even when psychopaths, antisocials, narcissists and …

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Advice for dealing with sociopaths: Don’t take it personally

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UPDATED FOR 2023: Lovefraud received this note from a reader; we'll call her Allison. She offers excellent advice for recovering from your entanglement with a sociopath: Don't take it personally. I want to thank everyone involved with the Lovefraud website. It is truly a gift. To the brave survivors, I wish you peace. I am a survivor myself. In fact, I'm divorcing mine as we speak. I will write my story another time because this time I only want to give a piece of advice that has helped me the most. When I was able to do this, the rest was easier to get through. I stopped taking it personally. It was not an easy task. I read everything I could get my hands on and while I learned his actions …

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Is there any way to successfully deliver a warning message that the new conquest will actually hear?

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as "FreedomWithNoRing," who asks about delivering a warning message to the sociopath's newest target. Donna Andersen responds below. I am so thankful for your website. There is so much valuable information there to help with understanding how and why one could get locked in and stay with a sociopath. I was married to an abusive sociopath for 25 years (I met him when I was 12 years old) and finally found the courage to leave 4 years ago. Divorcing and trying to co-parent with a sociopath is a complete nightmare. My ex was with another woman for 2 years. Eventually they bought a house …

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With sociopaths, words and actions can both be lies

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as "new_day." She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies. I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, "Words may lie but actions always tell the truth." The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!! Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud. Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the …

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The narcissist and the ‘Drama Triangle’

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by Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS The “Drama Triangle,” also known as the “Victim Triangle,” is a social model of human interaction developed by a psychologist named Stephen Carpman in 1968. It is a power game where individuals consciously or unconsciously choose the role of Persecutor, Rescuer, or Victim, depending on the context of the situation. I came across this model while conducting research on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a method that mental health clinicians like me often use to assist their clients. It’s a process of logically challenging the validity of their thoughts by putting them “on trial.” The Drama Triangle is closely related to psuedomutuality, which describes …

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Classic sociopathic control strategy: Accusing you of cheating

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UPDATED FOR 2023. I was sitting at my kitchen table one day during my marriage to the sociopath, James Montgomery. We were arguing — I don't remember what about; we argued a lot. All of a sudden, Montgomery accused me of sleeping with another man. I was shocked. I had been friends with the man for about 15 years before I even met Montgomery. We were good friends. But that's all — friends. Still, Montgomery raged at me, "I know you had sex with him." I denied this, vociferously. Montgomery kept accusing — but eventually backed down. The accusation came out of thin air. I hadn't even seen my friend in months. So why did Montgomery do this? Sociopaths assume everyone cheats First o …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: My journal entry about susceptibility to the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor's note: A Lovefraud reader sent the following entry from her journal. "About 2 1/2 months since the sociopath revealed himself for what he was, I'm now assessing how I made myself so vulnerable in the first place," she wrote. "Shockingly I realize I likely still am... still am as vulnerable... until I do my next needed self-work: truly healing my relationship with myself. Deeply." The following piece represents a step in her healing. I was thinking about whether I'd ever be able to reclaim my memories, once sweet, once preciously loving, of the past two years — ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is via his cruel d …

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Games psychopaths play – flaunting other women (and men)

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  UPDATED FOR 2023. Before my marriage, I was absolutely clueless about the games psychopaths play. I know about them now, but I am still shocked by their audacity. Here's what I witnessed, up close and personal: At 11 p.m. on a Saturday night, wearing new lingerie from Victoria's Secret, I awaited the arrival of my fiancé, James Montgomery. He'd been out of the country on a secret military mission (so he told me). But he could escape his duties for a short time, so he was driving more than 1,000 miles, from MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, Florida, to my home in New Jersey, to meet me for a passionate rendezvous. He arrived in a vehicle I'd never seen before — a black Gr …

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